Saturday, 18 February 2012

~ History

Days of Abstinence: 1

First i'll say, it feels a little surreal counting my days of abstinence now.. It's something I have procrastinated for quite some time, mostly because I had an abstinence list the size of a book, and had figured everything from portion sizes and ways of preparation were counted in there as well..For instance, shake a little salt on my food, that would ruin my abstinence day..If I ate an extra spoonful or two of something, it was ruined too... Now, KC and I worked together to cut down my abstinence list, because I tried for a week panicking every time by myself.. It was a safety net for me to stay away from all foods that weren't healthy for me, but I've brought it down to my binge foods only... And now, I feel like I can count days of abstinence without setting myself up (which is exactly what I was doing)..Gave me a means of being hard on myself, which I love, of course.. So no more getting overwhelmed continually failing.  I think I got this now!

Thought I would share the history of my Compulsive Overeating, though these aren't ALL of the facts, they are some that led me up until today and give insight of a young girl through to today, and the challenges of my disease.. I do not blame the people in my life, I am merely listing what felt like challenges to me.. Much of the challenges I left out, because I'm struggling with my need for privacy, but I am sharing what I feel is okay to share.  I started the 12 Step Workbook today, and this was part of Question One..

- I began COE behaviours as a child, stealing food & hiding it, hiding to eat food even at home, feelings of envy over food children ate at school, going to friend's homes and taking food and hiding someplace to eat it so they didn't know.. my fave hiding places at home were behind the stove in the kitchen & in the doghouse early mornings with my dog.. I was very manipulative about food already at an early age, and that would only get worse over time.

- I was an emotional eater even as a child, food comforted my anger, sadness & frustration with all my different babysitters, my parent's breakup, my father having a new family & my being moved away from my father & friends when i was 11 years old.

- My 1st job at 16 yrs old in the fast food industry - sneaking food when people weren't looking, paying for food but serving myself extra size portions, spending my pays on junkfood binges even back then, making excuses constantly and eventually, losing my job....

- strict rules re: food in both parent's homes.. As to how much food could be eaten & making food last.  As a teen, i would gather food when no one was home and hide it in my room, so when people were home I could easily hide in my room and binge foods I shouldn't be.

- Stealing change from my mother's change jar each day to bring to school, equalling anywhere between 10-20 dollars, and buying all junkfood and restaurant foods, stuffing it all in a bag and finding someplace by myself to eat it all, with no one around until I got caught stealing.  Also stole 20 dollars when I was 9 from my babysitter, which I spent on a Michael Jackson book and junkfoods which I ate all at once..And an Uncle would give us 10-20 dollars when we would visit to go to the store, again all junkfoods and I would eat it, in a sitting..

- At family gatherings for holidays or parties - I would graze constantly around food and goodies and would sneak pocketfuls of food and hide to eat it in peace, feeding my anger, sad & frustrations ... I would hide usually in a washroom, or sneak off quietly into a dark bedroom and shut the door, just long enough to stuff everything in quickly..

- Purging as a child & as a teenager.. starving myself during school days because I didn't have the privacy to purge what I would eat, becoming obsessed with my weight and body image .

- Living on my own with a friend as a teenager, still in high school, didn't work and relied on my father's help for income to eat.  I would then overeat and leave us short for most of the time, and would resort to bingeing things like ketchup, pickles or pantry items to compensate for foods I usually binged on.  I would sneak in her room and steal her chocolate and candy to eat when she wasn't home. I would also deny having done so.

- Pregnant age of 20, super binged through my pregnancy, gaining 80 lbs. Binged & purged through to age of 22, my doctor confronted me on purging and it scared me that she could tell and knew.  I stopped purging, (but still doing so occasionally), but did continue to binge.. Purging was my control, without purging I feel like I've lost control and everything felt (and still feels) chaotic to me.  I began behaviours such as pinching at my stomache and bruising it all around, since I couldn't purge.. My last time doing that was in 2011.

- Age 23, second child, 69 lbs gain during pregnancy.. Eating 2-3 meals as one meal, continual junkfood binges, which carried through after birth..i left my ex husband and moved back to Saint John with nothing except the children, myself & our personal belongings starting from the ground up.. The bingeing increased through the years..Financial difficulties, bad relationships, and obsessive behaviours emerged more & i began isolating, pushing people out of my life..Fad diets, desperate attempts to quick weight loss.. Everything revolved around food and I started disconnecting from the outside world, hating my body.. spending bill money on binges I couldn't afford and what would leave to a downspiral path of destruction in every aspect of my life, affecting the lives of much more than myself.

- In 2008, I began purging again, being in complete isolation led me to believe it was okay & that I was getting my control back. Took a self esteem course, and thought I was taking steps to a better me when all along I was just circling in that same vicious circle... I was miserable in my weight, but the food was still my comfort.. The very last day of bingeing in  December 2010, my calorie intake was 12,487 calories.. I have that number written down in my book as a reminder and as a motivator that I was killing myself and I needed to change.

- In 2011, has been an up and down battle of conflicted feelings and confusion, overeating, behaviours and purging.

Today is February 18, 2012. This week I have an amended abstinence list, a Plan of Eating and am ready to start counting days of abstinence, today being day one.

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