Saturday, 18 February 2012

Dose of Reality & an Intro..

While I have started my journey some time ago, and decided I wanted to get myself back on track,  I have pulled myself along for months & months, finding ways to push myself a bit further everyday and to put myself in a healthier place.  Successfully, I have lost 91 lbs to date, but that comes with many challenges, many hard days & many ups and downs.. I thought I knew full well I have no control over food.. When I am honest with myself, I procrastinated actually finding a sponsor and working the steps, because I think there are a lot of things I don't admit to myself just yet and that I am dishonest with myself about. Not fully accepting the fact that I am indeed powerless over food (Step One) is one of those things..Another is that i have truly believe i was working on curing myself of this disease, and a reality i have had to come to terms with today is that it's not a curable disease.. And it's where I need to begin, and why today, I feel like I am taking some major steps backwards.. But that is okay, because today is the day I begin my steps with my Sponsor and I know I will be taking a deep, hard look within for many days to come and so this is where my complete  honesty with myself begins.

To quote some lines within chapter one of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous:
"As long as we refuse to recognize that we have this debilitating and ultimately fatal disease, we are not motivated to get the daily treatment for it which brings about our recovery.  Denial of the truth leads to destruction.  Only an honest admission to ourselves of the reality of our condition can save us from our destructive eating.."

This is admitting a lack of control not only with food, but with my life in general.. What a hard realization this has been for me today.. I lack control in so many aspects of my addiction/eating disorder affects every part of me, as well as all of the people in my life in some way or another - no wonder I've felt so stuck in this.   It's hard to work things through this head of mine.. It is so hard to find ways to make peace with food, the thought of letting go overwhelms me, because now I am faced with all the different aspects of my life my disease affects & all of the people in my life it affects.. How does one come to terms with that?  Food has been my source of peace & calm for so many, many years now... How do I let go of my peace & calm and allow what feels like chaos back into my life again to work through them?.. The stuff I have stuffed down inside for so very long.. Chaos brings me anxiety, fears & makes me look at a very hard place within, where I have much anger & sadness from the past.. Over time, however, I have worked on ways to be a stronger me and am in a much more positive mindset to be able to take this on.. One year ago, it wouldn't have been possible to go where I need to go.  I have been procrastinating some things in fear of "going there", but today that changes.  I have my literature in hand, and will open it the moment I post this blog.  I have a support system around me that is incredible, and I can and will do this.. For my well-being, my health, my loved ones & mostly, for me.

I have decided to keep a blog to share  my challenges here from day one, because not only can someone benefit from knowing my daily struggles, obsessive behaviors & working through my issues & how I did this, but I can benefit from being able to look back and reflect, to see my progress or my stumbles and see the work I have done each and everyday.. I may have embarked on what could be the most difficult fight of my life & I owe it to myself to have a place where I can keep myself accountable by putting it all out there.. It's not easy having anyone read my struggles, in fact I am completely embarrassed and guilt-ridden confessing for all  to see.. But I am a firm believer that holding myself accountable and putting it here for all to see helps build me strength, and that knowledge is power.  I learn so much daily about my addiction/eating disorder and about myself & it brings me growth, much needed growth.. So I know that  today is day one of my REAL struggle in this, that this passed year I have been growing and working hard at getting myself to a place where I could really take on this fight... I crave change so much and I am ready to take this on.. Every emotion, every hard realization & every angering issue that arises from within... with complete honesty & every bit of strength I can find within me.  I will work on the guilt, the self-forgiveness, making amends... Whatever this journey requires of me, I am stumbles, lies to myself, trying to stuff things inside rather than deal with the feelings , because by habit for years and years, it's the safe thing to do.. But I will find new ways to challenge myself and do my very best to give this the fight of my life.. I want to feel deserving.. That is the one word I seek in all of this, the one thing I struggle daily to feel... "Deserving"..

My name is sylvie, compulsive overeater, food addict, sugar addict, bulimic... & I 'am' powerless over food. i will be working also on self esteem, balancing my life, amending relationships and self forgiveness. *breathes*
  Let the journey begin!

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