Letter to my Younger Self
Dearest little girl within;
You continue to amaze me lately as I get to know you more each day, little Sylvie. Thinking back to the day I started to abuse you as a means of dealing with my fears, the unknown and my emotions is difficult, but necessary. Life felt chaotic and scary, especially looking through such little girl eyes. You chose to deal with enormous pressures by turning to something which helped you feel safe and protected the best way you knew how, because you were scared and didn't know where to turn. I don't hate you for choosing to do something that would later become the fight of my life today at the age of 41. In fact, I am so proud of you for even wanting to love yourself enough to keep you safe despite all of the challenges you faced back then.
It is so important for me to get to know this sweet little girl that is you. I feel like my life with you felt so sad and scary, and today as I grow older and wiser I simply want to protect you. Life felt raw, uncertain and lonely - and you used the best means you could to ensure that you trudged on everyday and trying to make everyone around you happy. You got lost in this, however. Your happiness got missed, and suddenly the only happiness and safety you felt in life was in how food and purging made you feel.
Today, I carry all of your anger and sadness still. In fact, I carry around your every emotion along with those of my teen self, my younger adult years straight through to this very day. I feel full and heavy with all of that on my shoulders. Today, it causes me to act in a way that is not pleasant and simply not me, then once again turn to food and purging because it all feels so overwhelming. Each day I internalized my every feeling and chose not to share with anyone how I was feeling in a moment. I feel sad for that fact, because I feel it was our responsibility through life to honor the awesome being within us both by using our words, letting go of things through forgiveness or simply standing up for what we believe in. We are deserving of that and so much more sweet Sylvie.
You were taught through life not to have a voice or opinion - but you DO! You were taught to feel insignificant over the years, so much so your self-esteem sunk so low - truth is you are SO significant, worthy and deserving. We are alike in so many ways... You were quiet and shy, so am I today. You were loving and kind - and so am I. We are so much alike in the way we are and how we present ourselves, the way we giggle, our simplicity, our curiousity and our giving nature. I am learning to see the world again with your little girl eyes and it's so beautiful, so amazing and my curiousity with so many things often thrills me from the inside out or gets me in trouble for not thinking more logically.
I promise I am not ashamed of you. I do not blame you. I do not hate you. I won't ever poke fun of you, we've had enough of that through life. It is not my intention to hurt you, however, I am learning on this journey that with hurt comes healing, and so some things may leave our hearts feeling a bit sore or uncomfortable at times. I promise that I believe in you, in our ability to do this together, and finally work through the hard feelings which fuels this damn disease that continues to trip us up. One thing I have learned, we aren't alone. We are never alone. There are kind and loving people who will not only support our efforts and fight to live, but who have also walked a similar walk in life. You aren't the only one who chose to use food as a means of protecting and self-loving because it was all you felt you had. If we open up and reach out now, we can find our path to healing, forgiving and working a program that will be a part of our lives for the rest of time.
There are so many things I want to learn in life, new things to try and fun to have. Your fears and anxiety are still deeply rooted within, they unfortuneately still guide my every thought, every wish and every action. I am working on that so hard because I want nothing more than to be able to let go of what held you back for so long so we can live this life together as a whole, hand in hand. I promise to cherish you, protect you, love you and support you from this day forward. I also am taking this opportunity to forgive you, because while I don't feel any of this was your fault, I do know that you carry all of the guilt and shame of having done this to yourself. You are feeling fragile and vulnerable, unsure and scared. Please don't - because if anyone has your back right now, I do. We will work through this together, one step at a time and side by side because no one has the power to make either of us feel unworthy again.
You are loved sweet girl Sylvie. You are loved, adored and I can't wait to know you more. To know your dreams, your thoughts, your reasons. Today, someone cares and we can't move forward until we heal, forgive and let go. I need to do this more than anything, and judging by all of the internalizing over the years, you need this too. Trust in me, let's dig deep and work through all of the challenges, the hurt feelings, the issues and let's move forward and live life fully, because we have missed SO much already and deserve every bit of happiness, life lovin' and fulfilled dreams.
I am in tears as I write this to you so openly Sylvie. Not because I feel vulnerable or scared, but because I feel hope for the very first time in my life. Acknowledgement of my hurt scared girl who has travelled so far through life feeling scarred, unappreciated, full of fear and like a huge disappointment to so many people in her life. Yes, the disappointment exists, however, it does not define who we are or how we should feel. It isn't something we need to dwell or carry with us everyday through life. Our disease fuelled bad choices, inappropriate ways of thinking and a life of isolation and deceit. We have the power to fuel our lives in a different way, a more safe space with boundaries and personal space and a love for self. One which will carry us through the rest of our life in a more loving, gentle way with an amazing self-respect that will not allow us to take part in hurtful relationships, self-bullying, self-abusing nor letting life pass us by ever again.
I love you little girl Sylvie. Let's move forward together.
xoxox
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Sunday, 31 August 2014
Keeping it real -
Disclaimer: Some language is foul - but this post is real, honest & raw and my anger is in full swing. So I am apologizing in advance for the 'f' bombs, and if you are easily offended please don't read my post. I feel it's important I share this as honestly as it feels in this very moment. Today, this very hour and well, this very moment.
There are days that I want to bang my head against the wall because I am so frustrated with this damn fucking disease. Bulimia, diagnosed at the age of nine. Back then I wasn't a purger, or at least I don't think I was, I can't remember. I remember as far back as my early teenage years which I think is when I started to purge and self-abuse. At the age of nine I remember turning to food for emotional support. Food became my best friend, and my character defects started to come alive in a very young girl who couldn't figure out what was wrong and how to deal with anything. I remember feeling lonely, scared and confused as well as frustrated, unloved and useless. Not to say I *was* unloved and useless, but it's how I felt given the situation, the surroundings, my upbringing and using food. Therapy at the age of nine is what brought me a diagnosis of bulimia (a word I wouldn't hear until adulthood, and remaining in denial.)
As a teenager, I became more of a loner. I was bullied a lot through school or often felt like I didn't fit into circles of friendships. I felt isolated, unapproved of and very much unnoticed. I was quiet and shy usually and eventually managed to make a few friendships outside of school usually, which I very much relied on and am friends with two even to this day. I developed my people pleasing defect trying to win friendships and to be cool enough to be liked. I got involved with drugs and drinking, despite having epilepsy and knowing those things never made me feel good like others, but I did it anyway for approval. The bullying, however, didn't ever go away. My love for self faded fast, and I wrote suicide letters because I felt ready to end my life at the age of 15. My first attempt was with a knife in a ball field in a small village I lived in behind an elementary school. I sat there for hours in tears with the biggest knife I could find in the house. I was too scared to do it, knife at my blade and very faint scratches from rubbing it over and over but just not hard enough. My second attempt, with a lot of pills, mixed pills I could find. I got rushed in to the hospital that time, and was eventually given an appointment for therapy. (Once again).
I absolutely dealt with depression as a teenage girl, and often self-abused myself in ways many don't even know about. I was dealing with not only the bullying and what felt like an upside family life after my parents split up at the age of 8, but as a teenager exploring through my sexual identity and trying to understand that. It all made me angry, sad and confused and so secretly I started lashing out on the inside. Binges and purges were one way of dealing with my feelings, but I was also self-abusing my pinching my stomache repeatedly from side to side so my entire tummy was constantly bruised and so sore.. Anytime I hurt on the inside, or was bullied I would grab ahold of that tummy and twist as hard as I could. It made me cry everytime from the pain and was an escape from what I was really feeling. Also, I would take a marker or pen and write on my body beneath my clothes. My arms, my legs, my stomache.. I would write words like "fat, gross, ugly, skank, etc". Anything that was derogative and of course helped my self-esteem sink faster than a ship. I would pinch various parts of my body, the most sensitive places.. I would slap and hit myself, or look in the mirror and cry while telling myself how pathetic and useless I was and nobody loved me. These are just mere examples of the ways I would self-abuse over the years.
I can honestly say, I have self-abused doing all of those things and more until quite recently. It became a way of life for me, a necessity and something I looked forward to. Most were anxious to get out with friends, and I couldn't wait to get home so I could lock myself up in my room and find ways to hurt and tear myself apart, inside and out. As an adult, all of that increased. As each year passed, I was more mean to my inner being than I ever had been. I started by lashing out at other's, surrounding myself with negative, demeaning people and eventually started isolating myself altogether from friends, family, hobbies I loved doing and so much more. As a mother, I feel so much guilt over my parenting role as a single mom to two really deserving, beautiful and amazing children. I wasn't present as a parent as much as i should have been, because I was too busy isolating myself from the real world and stuffing my face with food. At that point in my life I was only bingeing because my doctor found out i was purging by looking at my hands/fingernails. She put enough fear in me (for awhile) and so then I totally relied on food. I started to binge daily by going to the corner store and spending inappropriate amounts of money (for bills and food for my children) on binge food for myself. We had our utilities shut off often, I stood in lines at the food bank more than I care to admit and I made our lives much harder than it had to be.
So, here is where my honesty comes in today - and this, this is really hard to do.
- I still deal with an enormous amount of depression and anxiety, and I don't do enough to change that.
- I still have extremely low self-esteem and do not take positive action as often as I should to help build a stronger esteem, even though I have the tools and ability.
- I am still in victim mentality, and spend far too much time in my day procrastinating things because the world is being so awful to me for whatever reason or dwelling on past things I have carried with me for a very, very long time.
- I am an internalizer. I don't and won't share feelings, and I have this technique where I can even hide how I feel from my own self, helps me suffer greatly and another form of self-abuse.
- I have been in recovery for 3 1/2 years and have yet to work the 12 steps because I keep making excuses. I have gone through four sponsors now, one of which I think may still be my sponsor but really unsure because we haven't talked for over a month now (my fault, I pull away scared)
- I am scared of my feelings, absolutely petrified. I am scared to deal with how I am feeling about the past and the way I have been treated or vice versa because anger, sadness, acknowledging the deep emotion which means facing people. As an isolator I would rather chew on those feelings for the rest of my life and just tear myself up for it instead. It's become a safety net for me. (my food, my isolating & my internalizing)
- I hate the truths that come with dealing with my disease. For instance, working on me I also see the true intentions of others (some family, friends) that I thought had my back but realize the opposite. It's hard to distance those people from me, and what's even harder is I do it secretly. I just back them off (for good reason) but don't have enough courage to stand up for myself in the meantime. Not enough self-worth in there to do it willingly.
Last bit of honesty for now, my FOOD is BAD. I am eating clean these days which is so good for me, it leaves me feeling so good about myself, so healthy and much more energy. However, the last couple of days I have done what I often do - nosedive the food again. Last night I ate something I shouldn't, not one but two of them followed by a gigantic bowl of something else. It was 10pm and I had eaten my meals. It was certainly no binge, or at least not the size of a binge I was once used to, but I am certainly falling back into old habits. So this morning I wake up and what do I do? Cook half a box of something no-no once again and stuff my face til I feel sick again. I know (especially after eating so healthy) what eating these things will do and how they'll make me feel. Also, I know it means I am falling back into my bingeing and purging and I am once again the victim. Suddenly my feelings are chaotic and I am cranky and lashing out, hiding food and all of my character defects are coming out to play.
So, here are some positives. I know I can turn this around, and in fact am doing so just by being here, acknowledging, blogging, accountable action. I opened my email first thing when I got online and made contact with my recovery group with my honesty about my food choices last night and today. This is a positive step in the right direction. Phew. Also, I did not purge last night, which in itself feels like an addiction most days. I crave purging so much each day, and so this feels like a true win.
So, I know what I stopped doing which led me to dipping into bad foods again.
- I stopped meditating, and practicing mindfulness.
- I stopped working the 12 steps for Overeaters, and stopped communicating with my sponsor/groups.
- I stopped believing in myself, and started self-abusing once again.
- I embrace the obsessive behaviours, and start allowing them to dictate my day so I instead procrastinate and get nothing done.
- I stopped meal prepping and I know this is something that works for me
Ahh let's face it, I could sit here listing the why's all day - I stopped everything I knew..
I do exercise and eat healthy most days, which is good but I could slowly feel the rest of me slipping away. I know I need a healthy balance of it all to keep myself afloat , recovery is important for me to recover, otherwise all I do is isolate and try and do it all myself.
My disease reminds me every single time I can't do this alone - I need to reach out and I need to be honest with myself that this is more than myself.
So today, I realize I have now put myself in a predicament where I am coming off my high. So, I am in high craving for the next while and my emotions will be all over the place - and so what I need to do is get back to program, meditation and all things that keep me balanced along with my exercise, etc. I cannot live in a mindset of depression and anxiety hold me back anymore. I am so sick of living this way, and I know I have the tools so it's time to use them because I "am" worthy of doing so.. I am worthy of inner joy and peace. I am worthy of friendships, and healthy choices and not self-abusing the way I once had. Today, I need to back up the truck and start working through the issues, one small step at a time and releasing those, because life is far too short to live a bitter, ugly life like I have in the past. I will always be bulimic, a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict, but I don't always have to live in it's grip the way I have all this time.
Time to work through the guilt, shame, frustration, anger, sadness and inner loneliness so that I can just let shit go. It's hard to strive forward when I keep getting sucked back in, and that is only because I have (this far) refused to fully do the work needed. I admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable. But then I sit and crybaby over it instead of help myself . The self-pity and victim mentality needs to go. I am stronger than this, and I am capable of self-love and being positive. 41 years of this is enough.
Seriously, I'm done.
Time to move forward, finally. Amends, self-work, Buddha....Here I come.
Namaste,
There are days that I want to bang my head against the wall because I am so frustrated with this damn fucking disease. Bulimia, diagnosed at the age of nine. Back then I wasn't a purger, or at least I don't think I was, I can't remember. I remember as far back as my early teenage years which I think is when I started to purge and self-abuse. At the age of nine I remember turning to food for emotional support. Food became my best friend, and my character defects started to come alive in a very young girl who couldn't figure out what was wrong and how to deal with anything. I remember feeling lonely, scared and confused as well as frustrated, unloved and useless. Not to say I *was* unloved and useless, but it's how I felt given the situation, the surroundings, my upbringing and using food. Therapy at the age of nine is what brought me a diagnosis of bulimia (a word I wouldn't hear until adulthood, and remaining in denial.)
As a teenager, I became more of a loner. I was bullied a lot through school or often felt like I didn't fit into circles of friendships. I felt isolated, unapproved of and very much unnoticed. I was quiet and shy usually and eventually managed to make a few friendships outside of school usually, which I very much relied on and am friends with two even to this day. I developed my people pleasing defect trying to win friendships and to be cool enough to be liked. I got involved with drugs and drinking, despite having epilepsy and knowing those things never made me feel good like others, but I did it anyway for approval. The bullying, however, didn't ever go away. My love for self faded fast, and I wrote suicide letters because I felt ready to end my life at the age of 15. My first attempt was with a knife in a ball field in a small village I lived in behind an elementary school. I sat there for hours in tears with the biggest knife I could find in the house. I was too scared to do it, knife at my blade and very faint scratches from rubbing it over and over but just not hard enough. My second attempt, with a lot of pills, mixed pills I could find. I got rushed in to the hospital that time, and was eventually given an appointment for therapy. (Once again).
I absolutely dealt with depression as a teenage girl, and often self-abused myself in ways many don't even know about. I was dealing with not only the bullying and what felt like an upside family life after my parents split up at the age of 8, but as a teenager exploring through my sexual identity and trying to understand that. It all made me angry, sad and confused and so secretly I started lashing out on the inside. Binges and purges were one way of dealing with my feelings, but I was also self-abusing my pinching my stomache repeatedly from side to side so my entire tummy was constantly bruised and so sore.. Anytime I hurt on the inside, or was bullied I would grab ahold of that tummy and twist as hard as I could. It made me cry everytime from the pain and was an escape from what I was really feeling. Also, I would take a marker or pen and write on my body beneath my clothes. My arms, my legs, my stomache.. I would write words like "fat, gross, ugly, skank, etc". Anything that was derogative and of course helped my self-esteem sink faster than a ship. I would pinch various parts of my body, the most sensitive places.. I would slap and hit myself, or look in the mirror and cry while telling myself how pathetic and useless I was and nobody loved me. These are just mere examples of the ways I would self-abuse over the years.
I can honestly say, I have self-abused doing all of those things and more until quite recently. It became a way of life for me, a necessity and something I looked forward to. Most were anxious to get out with friends, and I couldn't wait to get home so I could lock myself up in my room and find ways to hurt and tear myself apart, inside and out. As an adult, all of that increased. As each year passed, I was more mean to my inner being than I ever had been. I started by lashing out at other's, surrounding myself with negative, demeaning people and eventually started isolating myself altogether from friends, family, hobbies I loved doing and so much more. As a mother, I feel so much guilt over my parenting role as a single mom to two really deserving, beautiful and amazing children. I wasn't present as a parent as much as i should have been, because I was too busy isolating myself from the real world and stuffing my face with food. At that point in my life I was only bingeing because my doctor found out i was purging by looking at my hands/fingernails. She put enough fear in me (for awhile) and so then I totally relied on food. I started to binge daily by going to the corner store and spending inappropriate amounts of money (for bills and food for my children) on binge food for myself. We had our utilities shut off often, I stood in lines at the food bank more than I care to admit and I made our lives much harder than it had to be.
So, here is where my honesty comes in today - and this, this is really hard to do.
- I still deal with an enormous amount of depression and anxiety, and I don't do enough to change that.
- I still have extremely low self-esteem and do not take positive action as often as I should to help build a stronger esteem, even though I have the tools and ability.
- I am still in victim mentality, and spend far too much time in my day procrastinating things because the world is being so awful to me for whatever reason or dwelling on past things I have carried with me for a very, very long time.
- I am an internalizer. I don't and won't share feelings, and I have this technique where I can even hide how I feel from my own self, helps me suffer greatly and another form of self-abuse.
- I have been in recovery for 3 1/2 years and have yet to work the 12 steps because I keep making excuses. I have gone through four sponsors now, one of which I think may still be my sponsor but really unsure because we haven't talked for over a month now (my fault, I pull away scared)
- I am scared of my feelings, absolutely petrified. I am scared to deal with how I am feeling about the past and the way I have been treated or vice versa because anger, sadness, acknowledging the deep emotion which means facing people. As an isolator I would rather chew on those feelings for the rest of my life and just tear myself up for it instead. It's become a safety net for me. (my food, my isolating & my internalizing)
- I hate the truths that come with dealing with my disease. For instance, working on me I also see the true intentions of others (some family, friends) that I thought had my back but realize the opposite. It's hard to distance those people from me, and what's even harder is I do it secretly. I just back them off (for good reason) but don't have enough courage to stand up for myself in the meantime. Not enough self-worth in there to do it willingly.
Last bit of honesty for now, my FOOD is BAD. I am eating clean these days which is so good for me, it leaves me feeling so good about myself, so healthy and much more energy. However, the last couple of days I have done what I often do - nosedive the food again. Last night I ate something I shouldn't, not one but two of them followed by a gigantic bowl of something else. It was 10pm and I had eaten my meals. It was certainly no binge, or at least not the size of a binge I was once used to, but I am certainly falling back into old habits. So this morning I wake up and what do I do? Cook half a box of something no-no once again and stuff my face til I feel sick again. I know (especially after eating so healthy) what eating these things will do and how they'll make me feel. Also, I know it means I am falling back into my bingeing and purging and I am once again the victim. Suddenly my feelings are chaotic and I am cranky and lashing out, hiding food and all of my character defects are coming out to play.
So, here are some positives. I know I can turn this around, and in fact am doing so just by being here, acknowledging, blogging, accountable action. I opened my email first thing when I got online and made contact with my recovery group with my honesty about my food choices last night and today. This is a positive step in the right direction. Phew. Also, I did not purge last night, which in itself feels like an addiction most days. I crave purging so much each day, and so this feels like a true win.
So, I know what I stopped doing which led me to dipping into bad foods again.
- I stopped meditating, and practicing mindfulness.
- I stopped working the 12 steps for Overeaters, and stopped communicating with my sponsor/groups.
- I stopped believing in myself, and started self-abusing once again.
- I embrace the obsessive behaviours, and start allowing them to dictate my day so I instead procrastinate and get nothing done.
- I stopped meal prepping and I know this is something that works for me
Ahh let's face it, I could sit here listing the why's all day - I stopped everything I knew..
I do exercise and eat healthy most days, which is good but I could slowly feel the rest of me slipping away. I know I need a healthy balance of it all to keep myself afloat , recovery is important for me to recover, otherwise all I do is isolate and try and do it all myself.
My disease reminds me every single time I can't do this alone - I need to reach out and I need to be honest with myself that this is more than myself.
So today, I realize I have now put myself in a predicament where I am coming off my high. So, I am in high craving for the next while and my emotions will be all over the place - and so what I need to do is get back to program, meditation and all things that keep me balanced along with my exercise, etc. I cannot live in a mindset of depression and anxiety hold me back anymore. I am so sick of living this way, and I know I have the tools so it's time to use them because I "am" worthy of doing so.. I am worthy of inner joy and peace. I am worthy of friendships, and healthy choices and not self-abusing the way I once had. Today, I need to back up the truck and start working through the issues, one small step at a time and releasing those, because life is far too short to live a bitter, ugly life like I have in the past. I will always be bulimic, a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict, but I don't always have to live in it's grip the way I have all this time.
Time to work through the guilt, shame, frustration, anger, sadness and inner loneliness so that I can just let shit go. It's hard to strive forward when I keep getting sucked back in, and that is only because I have (this far) refused to fully do the work needed. I admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable. But then I sit and crybaby over it instead of help myself . The self-pity and victim mentality needs to go. I am stronger than this, and I am capable of self-love and being positive. 41 years of this is enough.
Seriously, I'm done.
Time to move forward, finally. Amends, self-work, Buddha....Here I come.
Namaste,
Friday, 30 May 2014
changes -
SO much has changed this last month in regards to my eating plan and abstinence list and program, period. I feel as though I am in a much better place where my eating disorder is concerned and my honesty and admission with not only you all but myself.
Over the last three years I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a normal eater and that I eat compulsively, have binged and isolated, etc. What I was fully coming to terms with is that I am bulimic, even saying that word has felt bothersome to me. I protect my purging like it's pure gold, and it is very much as addictive as the food I put in my mouth, unfortuneately.
So, allow me to start this blog post off appropriately. Hi, i'm sylvie and I am a bulimic. I don't feel that knot in my stomache anymore when I say or type that word like I once did, and am now in a space where I am acknowledging just how badly I have let this become over the years. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist at the age of 9 years old with bulimia, and of course as a child had absolutely no clue what that would have actually meant. Over the years as I aged, I knew what I was doing subconsciously, but denied and hid all of the self-bullying, self-abuse and food behaviors that took over my life. I lived in isolation for many, many years with barely any contact with family and friends, and denying myself important things such as a spiritual path, hobbies that I loved and most anything else in life.
I have come to realize that these last three years have been tremendously difficult for me as I got to know my body, my needs, my feelings and my disease. I started an abstinence list, got myself into Overeater's Anonymous and started attending meetings, reading literature and got heavily immersed in program trying to figure out a path that would work for me. With many stumbles, after three years I have learned so many lessons and grown so much. But one thing that didn't change was my continuous obsessing the food, it was making me crazy. My nose was constantly in the fridge or pantry, i was grazing food, tasting as I was eating and everything revolved around my meals and snacks and what the next food would be. I couldn't shake the obsession and when I could for a short time, my obsession turned to something else such as calorie counting, exercising, making to-do lists no human could EVER achieve in a 24 hour period, and so much more.
What could I do ? Something had to give. After three years of being in OA and around really wonderful people who have been so kind to lend me their experience, strength and hope via their recovery program and service, I still felt as though I was as obsessive if not more. With the help of a very kind woman who agreed to sponsor me through the 12 steps and who also has a similar eating history to my own, I have come to realize why I haven't moved forward from the obsession .
I keep my obsessive behavior alive by continuing to set myself up to obsess all day every day. SO, I have had to make many changes to my program in the last few weeks which I have to admit have been so helpful. It doesn't happen all at once but over the course of these weeks I have been slowly letting go of my obsessive behaviors and things are feeling so very different.
My last binge and purge was exactly three weeks ago today. I binged all day and purged all day, and spent the week after bringing up blood, having really bad abdomen pains, sore throat, acid reflux, bowel issues, etc. Last night (after three weeks) I was having similar issues, and wanted to purge yesterday as a result of taking a compulsive bite - it was a hard day.
So, here is what I had to do these last few weeks:
1/ I let go of my food plan. Yes, no planned times. No preplanning my meals for the following day. No ensuring I get a certain amount of food, no calorie counting, no measuring my portions, nothing. My meal plan now is make healthy choices. I know my portions without using a measuring cup and weight scale. Meat is the size of a fist as is the carbs.. Veggies can fill half the plate. I know not to go overboard and when I wake in the morning I have no plan, however, I have a fridge and pantry full of healthy choices and that's exactly what I do. Suddenly, I am feeling really GOOD about the positive, healthy food choices I am making - because I am making them.
2/ No to-do lists. I seriously had what I call a recovery binder (which is great and loaded with information) but also had a daily chart and exercise charts too. The chart was lengthy, and had recovery things I needed to do all day long (get a meeting, read in various books, take vitamins, follow specific meal plan, contact my sponsor, one nice thing for myself a day, etc... (the list had about 15 things for the morning, 15 for afternoon and 15 for evening.. ) AND then I would make myself a to do list for the day, with housework and projects that no human could ever achieve in a day and expect myself to complete my daily chart and my to do list every day.. (never did though!) And I would get so upset and hard on myself, what a failure I was! And it would of course give me reason to dive into the food again, not to mention I would procrastinate by spending my day obsessing anyhow!! I knew I couldn't get all of that done, so why bother trying?
3/ The minute I take one compulsive bite of food, such as grazing or eating while cooking or simply opening the fridge while *not* hungry and grabbing something just because -- then I lose control and I find myself face first in the food all day long AND purging because I am bingeing. So, my goal each day is to wake up with an open agenda, to eat intuitively (by listening to my body's hunger and when my body says I am full also) and to not take any compulsive bites. I find this becomes easier each day also, because I am no longer obsessing food and therefore not taking compulsive bites or even having those thoughts much anymore. Now suddenly I am understanding what others have been saying - how you just *know*.. And I haven't been able to because I was taking the wrong approach. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, but feel like I am finally on the right path with this, thank goodness!
4/ My abstinence list is changing. There *are* foods I must stay abstinent from, however, most foods on that list I *could* have but instead choose not to because I want to eat clean and be healthy, which is very different from having to be abstinent from it. So I will be amending my abstinence list this evening to show the foods I must be abstinent from, and remove the foods I choose to not eat, and that relieves the overwhelming feeling of an extremely long abstinent list. The smallest things overwhelm me - so simplify, simplify, simplify is my new motto.
5/ My recovery program consists of many, many wonderful tools. Everything from sponsorship, meetings, literature, service and much more. In my plan of action I was to achieve every one of the tools each day and then some of my own chosen tools such as journalling, posting to this page, blogging and so much more. Needless to say, I procrastinate all of it because I am expecting it of myself every single day. Then I feel like I have no time to do anything, and well I was obsessing my program as much as I can obsess just about anything. If I had 150 emails in my inbox, I had to answer every one of those emails before I could go on with my daily chart and my to-do list for the day. So now, rather than have to achieve everything it's a matter of deciding what do I need to do for today. Do I need a meeting? To work my steps ? Read in a book ? Meditation and exercise are two things that are musts for me when possible, however. I take ten minutes in the morning to meditate, and then another ten to kneel for mindfulness - then I set off on my walk which helps set up the whole day with energy and positivity .. There are days I don't do either, however, if I get a few days consecutively with no meditation or exercise, then I start to lose myself in my disease again, so they are very important to be a healthier me!
6/ I have started to lose weight again, although I am not weighing myself and letting go of the numbers, for now. Right now, it's going to be about how clothes fit on me, the healthy foods I am eating, the energy I am feeling and the accomplishments I am achieving. I know the numbers are important, however, I will get new numbers when I am ready for those. For now, I obsess the numbers too much and really, what *do* the numbers matter to me anyway, except give me a reason to obsess ? The doctor will know them on my next visit, and today I am excited because I can fit into a jacket and zip it comfortably when I couldn't two months ago. Hurrah !!! That feels SO good!
I still have to work through my feelings. I have a lifetime of internalizing behind me, and so that is something I will start working on through working the steps with my sponsor. I am learning through my program as well as Buddhism, that I must stay in the now and not dwell on the past or try and control my future. I am getting so much better with that today, thank goodness. So, expect many more blogs in my future, I just needed to lay out my new plan and what I have learned, and to admit that yes I am bulimic and am honestly powerless, and my life *is* unmanageable, and I am ready to move forward steps (slow, but steadily) ..
Thanks for hangin' around everyone, and for being so supportive through all of this. I see big growth in my future, and am excited about it. (A tad scared, but mostly just ready to take those steps!)
<3, syl.
Over the last three years I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a normal eater and that I eat compulsively, have binged and isolated, etc. What I was fully coming to terms with is that I am bulimic, even saying that word has felt bothersome to me. I protect my purging like it's pure gold, and it is very much as addictive as the food I put in my mouth, unfortuneately.
So, allow me to start this blog post off appropriately. Hi, i'm sylvie and I am a bulimic. I don't feel that knot in my stomache anymore when I say or type that word like I once did, and am now in a space where I am acknowledging just how badly I have let this become over the years. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist at the age of 9 years old with bulimia, and of course as a child had absolutely no clue what that would have actually meant. Over the years as I aged, I knew what I was doing subconsciously, but denied and hid all of the self-bullying, self-abuse and food behaviors that took over my life. I lived in isolation for many, many years with barely any contact with family and friends, and denying myself important things such as a spiritual path, hobbies that I loved and most anything else in life.
I have come to realize that these last three years have been tremendously difficult for me as I got to know my body, my needs, my feelings and my disease. I started an abstinence list, got myself into Overeater's Anonymous and started attending meetings, reading literature and got heavily immersed in program trying to figure out a path that would work for me. With many stumbles, after three years I have learned so many lessons and grown so much. But one thing that didn't change was my continuous obsessing the food, it was making me crazy. My nose was constantly in the fridge or pantry, i was grazing food, tasting as I was eating and everything revolved around my meals and snacks and what the next food would be. I couldn't shake the obsession and when I could for a short time, my obsession turned to something else such as calorie counting, exercising, making to-do lists no human could EVER achieve in a 24 hour period, and so much more.
What could I do ? Something had to give. After three years of being in OA and around really wonderful people who have been so kind to lend me their experience, strength and hope via their recovery program and service, I still felt as though I was as obsessive if not more. With the help of a very kind woman who agreed to sponsor me through the 12 steps and who also has a similar eating history to my own, I have come to realize why I haven't moved forward from the obsession .
I keep my obsessive behavior alive by continuing to set myself up to obsess all day every day. SO, I have had to make many changes to my program in the last few weeks which I have to admit have been so helpful. It doesn't happen all at once but over the course of these weeks I have been slowly letting go of my obsessive behaviors and things are feeling so very different.
My last binge and purge was exactly three weeks ago today. I binged all day and purged all day, and spent the week after bringing up blood, having really bad abdomen pains, sore throat, acid reflux, bowel issues, etc. Last night (after three weeks) I was having similar issues, and wanted to purge yesterday as a result of taking a compulsive bite - it was a hard day.
So, here is what I had to do these last few weeks:
1/ I let go of my food plan. Yes, no planned times. No preplanning my meals for the following day. No ensuring I get a certain amount of food, no calorie counting, no measuring my portions, nothing. My meal plan now is make healthy choices. I know my portions without using a measuring cup and weight scale. Meat is the size of a fist as is the carbs.. Veggies can fill half the plate. I know not to go overboard and when I wake in the morning I have no plan, however, I have a fridge and pantry full of healthy choices and that's exactly what I do. Suddenly, I am feeling really GOOD about the positive, healthy food choices I am making - because I am making them.
2/ No to-do lists. I seriously had what I call a recovery binder (which is great and loaded with information) but also had a daily chart and exercise charts too. The chart was lengthy, and had recovery things I needed to do all day long (get a meeting, read in various books, take vitamins, follow specific meal plan, contact my sponsor, one nice thing for myself a day, etc... (the list had about 15 things for the morning, 15 for afternoon and 15 for evening.. ) AND then I would make myself a to do list for the day, with housework and projects that no human could ever achieve in a day and expect myself to complete my daily chart and my to do list every day.. (never did though!) And I would get so upset and hard on myself, what a failure I was! And it would of course give me reason to dive into the food again, not to mention I would procrastinate by spending my day obsessing anyhow!! I knew I couldn't get all of that done, so why bother trying?
3/ The minute I take one compulsive bite of food, such as grazing or eating while cooking or simply opening the fridge while *not* hungry and grabbing something just because -- then I lose control and I find myself face first in the food all day long AND purging because I am bingeing. So, my goal each day is to wake up with an open agenda, to eat intuitively (by listening to my body's hunger and when my body says I am full also) and to not take any compulsive bites. I find this becomes easier each day also, because I am no longer obsessing food and therefore not taking compulsive bites or even having those thoughts much anymore. Now suddenly I am understanding what others have been saying - how you just *know*.. And I haven't been able to because I was taking the wrong approach. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do, but feel like I am finally on the right path with this, thank goodness!
4/ My abstinence list is changing. There *are* foods I must stay abstinent from, however, most foods on that list I *could* have but instead choose not to because I want to eat clean and be healthy, which is very different from having to be abstinent from it. So I will be amending my abstinence list this evening to show the foods I must be abstinent from, and remove the foods I choose to not eat, and that relieves the overwhelming feeling of an extremely long abstinent list. The smallest things overwhelm me - so simplify, simplify, simplify is my new motto.
5/ My recovery program consists of many, many wonderful tools. Everything from sponsorship, meetings, literature, service and much more. In my plan of action I was to achieve every one of the tools each day and then some of my own chosen tools such as journalling, posting to this page, blogging and so much more. Needless to say, I procrastinate all of it because I am expecting it of myself every single day. Then I feel like I have no time to do anything, and well I was obsessing my program as much as I can obsess just about anything. If I had 150 emails in my inbox, I had to answer every one of those emails before I could go on with my daily chart and my to-do list for the day. So now, rather than have to achieve everything it's a matter of deciding what do I need to do for today. Do I need a meeting? To work my steps ? Read in a book ? Meditation and exercise are two things that are musts for me when possible, however. I take ten minutes in the morning to meditate, and then another ten to kneel for mindfulness - then I set off on my walk which helps set up the whole day with energy and positivity .. There are days I don't do either, however, if I get a few days consecutively with no meditation or exercise, then I start to lose myself in my disease again, so they are very important to be a healthier me!
6/ I have started to lose weight again, although I am not weighing myself and letting go of the numbers, for now. Right now, it's going to be about how clothes fit on me, the healthy foods I am eating, the energy I am feeling and the accomplishments I am achieving. I know the numbers are important, however, I will get new numbers when I am ready for those. For now, I obsess the numbers too much and really, what *do* the numbers matter to me anyway, except give me a reason to obsess ? The doctor will know them on my next visit, and today I am excited because I can fit into a jacket and zip it comfortably when I couldn't two months ago. Hurrah !!! That feels SO good!
I still have to work through my feelings. I have a lifetime of internalizing behind me, and so that is something I will start working on through working the steps with my sponsor. I am learning through my program as well as Buddhism, that I must stay in the now and not dwell on the past or try and control my future. I am getting so much better with that today, thank goodness. So, expect many more blogs in my future, I just needed to lay out my new plan and what I have learned, and to admit that yes I am bulimic and am honestly powerless, and my life *is* unmanageable, and I am ready to move forward steps (slow, but steadily) ..
Thanks for hangin' around everyone, and for being so supportive through all of this. I see big growth in my future, and am excited about it. (A tad scared, but mostly just ready to take those steps!)
<3, syl.
Saturday, 15 March 2014
my girl , within..
They say with each stumble, comes growth.
This week the most important part of my journey has been happening. Embracing the sweet little girl within, the one who felt hurt, neglected, hopeless, scared and most of all worthless. A girl who felt she had to grow up far too fast in life. She forgot how to have fun and found ways to blame all of the hurt on herself. She learned to internalize her emotions and went into self-protective mode to do the best she could with what she had and the hands she was dealt.
Getting to know this girl has been an absolute treat. There are things within I squelched an entire lifetime for fear of how others would think of me. Suddenly, here I am, 41 years old embarking on the most glorious journey getting to know this wonderful, infectious girl who just happens to be me. So many years of isolating, self-abuse and living with fear. Fear of stepping forward and being 'me', because I didn't feel worthy or deserving.
There is so much inside of me brimming to get out. A courageous thrill-seeker who wants to try new, daring things. A silly, fun-loving, playful girl who makes the best of the simple things in life and faces it all with a smile or a laugh. A gentle, caring being who wants to allow friendships deep within her heart and live again. A curious girl who wants to explore and who has curiousity enough to investigate the world for years with amazement at each treasure she will find.
These are only pieces of that girl I have met thus far, and so much more to know just yet. Food has helped stuff this incredible being far out of reach for the majority of my lifetime. It feels magical to be on this journey with so many incredible people who understand these very things I am going through. And do believe that today marks the first day that I truly feel I am on the right path, with the right balance and making my way. I look forward to the day where the girl within becomes my very best friend in life. Walking this life with her hand in mine as we travel life's destiny will be a treasure, indeed.
<3 syl.
This week the most important part of my journey has been happening. Embracing the sweet little girl within, the one who felt hurt, neglected, hopeless, scared and most of all worthless. A girl who felt she had to grow up far too fast in life. She forgot how to have fun and found ways to blame all of the hurt on herself. She learned to internalize her emotions and went into self-protective mode to do the best she could with what she had and the hands she was dealt.
Getting to know this girl has been an absolute treat. There are things within I squelched an entire lifetime for fear of how others would think of me. Suddenly, here I am, 41 years old embarking on the most glorious journey getting to know this wonderful, infectious girl who just happens to be me. So many years of isolating, self-abuse and living with fear. Fear of stepping forward and being 'me', because I didn't feel worthy or deserving.
There is so much inside of me brimming to get out. A courageous thrill-seeker who wants to try new, daring things. A silly, fun-loving, playful girl who makes the best of the simple things in life and faces it all with a smile or a laugh. A gentle, caring being who wants to allow friendships deep within her heart and live again. A curious girl who wants to explore and who has curiousity enough to investigate the world for years with amazement at each treasure she will find.
These are only pieces of that girl I have met thus far, and so much more to know just yet. Food has helped stuff this incredible being far out of reach for the majority of my lifetime. It feels magical to be on this journey with so many incredible people who understand these very things I am going through. And do believe that today marks the first day that I truly feel I am on the right path, with the right balance and making my way. I look forward to the day where the girl within becomes my very best friend in life. Walking this life with her hand in mine as we travel life's destiny will be a treasure, indeed.
<3 syl.
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Week One --
**Warning - a tad graphic and very honest**
Wow it has been a week, and a heck of a ride.
Really thankful for the people who love and support me through this, because food can make me crazier than a bag of hammers and if I didn't have people to hang on to, I'd certainly be long lost by now I think.
A lil' over a week ago, I did the unimaginable. I not only binged, but purged. Really thought I was long passed that, but what I learned this week (finally) after three years is that I won't ever be passed any of it. I am a bulimic, a binger, a compulsive overeater and am living with an addiction to food which consumes me just like any other addiction.
The two days prior I was working on abstinence and getting back to my program. I felt like a druggie in withdrawal with the sweats, the shakes, the obsessing and self-abuse. I would circle that kitchen with a vengeance, I was angry and hateful and the behaviours were in full swing. A few moments in those two days I was standing with the fridge open, tears flowing and crying like a baby because I felt starving despite having just eaten a meal. What was the difference ? I had a portioned meal and had no way to make me feel better unless I was stuffing myself til I made myself sick. Then, I was making a healthy dinner and suddenly I lost myself. I binged so hard that night, and ate three meals worth in about 5 minutes flat, complete with random other things from the fridge and pantry.
I stood there hanging on to the counter fully proud of myself but feeling so terribly full. I didn't care, I wanted more. As I opened the fridge door I suddenly felt the wave of guilt pass over me, and the tears starting to flow. I had such a good two days of portioning and trying so hard and I threw it all away. I felt so stuffed and angry at myself, and then on came the abusive self-talk. 'You're fat, ugly, disgusting, pathetic.......'
Immediately I went to the bathroom and purged everything I ate that night, or darn near close. The scary part of having done so was the amount of blood I was bringing up. I was diagnosed as bulimic at a very young age, and didn't see signs of blood until my later teen years, but in small bits. That increased some over adulthood until my doctor found me out and then I binged only with no purging for many years. About six or seven years ago, I began purging again occasionally until 2011 when I finally jumped on the OA bandwagon and began to help myself. The scary part wasn't all of the blood I was bringing up, however. The scary part was that I didn't care that I was bringing up all of this blood. I wanted that food out of me and I was stopping at nothing with no regard whatsoever for my health in that moment. I have lost my teeth, my nails are brittle, my hair has thinned considerably and have bald spots that I try hard to cover and I have many inner issues due to my years and years of food abuse and purging. Not to mention the mental challenges doing this to myself has caused me between the depression, the physical self-abuse and harm, the self-bullying, low self-esteem, etc. Yet, here I am once again at 41 years of age *still* with that inner instinct to say fuck my health and get this food I just binged out of my system. And then the feelings and the behaviours that come with doing exactly that.
Needless to say I was an emotional mess that night. I showered, got in my jammies and laid in bed for hours with the covers over my head in this distant place full of self-hate, guilt and embarrassment. I cried so hard countless times I almost made myself sick all over again. The shame and the hurt that are attached to the way I abuse my body repetitively.
It was that night, however, that I finally placed all doubts aside. I knew in my heart and soul that after 33 years of food abuse and purging, and three years of being in OA without really being present in program to *truly* help myself that I finally knew and accepted that yes I am clearly VERY powerless over food - and this is going to be an ongoing journey. I won't beat it, I won't do away with any of it, it will always be a part of me and I will always have the ability to use food just like any other addict would of their drug of choice. And so, I humbly stepped down off my pedestal where I once thought I knew it all, and thought I had complete control.
That next morning I embarked on the journey I have been seeking all along. Small steps towards a healthy, happy life. I have so many more steps to take, and things to learn, but this first week has been one of amazing clarity, the beginnings of inner peace and a yearning for growth, self-acceptance and self-love.
I'm ready. Everything I thought I knew I am setting aside. I am starting with a renewed hope and an open mind. All learned knowledge in these passed three years aren't worthless, but definitely open to change over this next while. And everything in my 41 years will soon become learning blocks of the girl i am today who is strong, fierce and ready to let go of the hurt, find forgiveness and move forward to a brand new beginning to a life I have held myself back in for far, far too long.
Peace friends.
Wow it has been a week, and a heck of a ride.
Really thankful for the people who love and support me through this, because food can make me crazier than a bag of hammers and if I didn't have people to hang on to, I'd certainly be long lost by now I think.
A lil' over a week ago, I did the unimaginable. I not only binged, but purged. Really thought I was long passed that, but what I learned this week (finally) after three years is that I won't ever be passed any of it. I am a bulimic, a binger, a compulsive overeater and am living with an addiction to food which consumes me just like any other addiction.
The two days prior I was working on abstinence and getting back to my program. I felt like a druggie in withdrawal with the sweats, the shakes, the obsessing and self-abuse. I would circle that kitchen with a vengeance, I was angry and hateful and the behaviours were in full swing. A few moments in those two days I was standing with the fridge open, tears flowing and crying like a baby because I felt starving despite having just eaten a meal. What was the difference ? I had a portioned meal and had no way to make me feel better unless I was stuffing myself til I made myself sick. Then, I was making a healthy dinner and suddenly I lost myself. I binged so hard that night, and ate three meals worth in about 5 minutes flat, complete with random other things from the fridge and pantry.
I stood there hanging on to the counter fully proud of myself but feeling so terribly full. I didn't care, I wanted more. As I opened the fridge door I suddenly felt the wave of guilt pass over me, and the tears starting to flow. I had such a good two days of portioning and trying so hard and I threw it all away. I felt so stuffed and angry at myself, and then on came the abusive self-talk. 'You're fat, ugly, disgusting, pathetic.......'
Immediately I went to the bathroom and purged everything I ate that night, or darn near close. The scary part of having done so was the amount of blood I was bringing up. I was diagnosed as bulimic at a very young age, and didn't see signs of blood until my later teen years, but in small bits. That increased some over adulthood until my doctor found me out and then I binged only with no purging for many years. About six or seven years ago, I began purging again occasionally until 2011 when I finally jumped on the OA bandwagon and began to help myself. The scary part wasn't all of the blood I was bringing up, however. The scary part was that I didn't care that I was bringing up all of this blood. I wanted that food out of me and I was stopping at nothing with no regard whatsoever for my health in that moment. I have lost my teeth, my nails are brittle, my hair has thinned considerably and have bald spots that I try hard to cover and I have many inner issues due to my years and years of food abuse and purging. Not to mention the mental challenges doing this to myself has caused me between the depression, the physical self-abuse and harm, the self-bullying, low self-esteem, etc. Yet, here I am once again at 41 years of age *still* with that inner instinct to say fuck my health and get this food I just binged out of my system. And then the feelings and the behaviours that come with doing exactly that.
Needless to say I was an emotional mess that night. I showered, got in my jammies and laid in bed for hours with the covers over my head in this distant place full of self-hate, guilt and embarrassment. I cried so hard countless times I almost made myself sick all over again. The shame and the hurt that are attached to the way I abuse my body repetitively.
It was that night, however, that I finally placed all doubts aside. I knew in my heart and soul that after 33 years of food abuse and purging, and three years of being in OA without really being present in program to *truly* help myself that I finally knew and accepted that yes I am clearly VERY powerless over food - and this is going to be an ongoing journey. I won't beat it, I won't do away with any of it, it will always be a part of me and I will always have the ability to use food just like any other addict would of their drug of choice. And so, I humbly stepped down off my pedestal where I once thought I knew it all, and thought I had complete control.
That next morning I embarked on the journey I have been seeking all along. Small steps towards a healthy, happy life. I have so many more steps to take, and things to learn, but this first week has been one of amazing clarity, the beginnings of inner peace and a yearning for growth, self-acceptance and self-love.
I'm ready. Everything I thought I knew I am setting aside. I am starting with a renewed hope and an open mind. All learned knowledge in these passed three years aren't worthless, but definitely open to change over this next while. And everything in my 41 years will soon become learning blocks of the girl i am today who is strong, fierce and ready to let go of the hurt, find forgiveness and move forward to a brand new beginning to a life I have held myself back in for far, far too long.
Peace friends.
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