Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Letter to my Younger Self

Letter to my Younger Self

Dearest little girl within;
You continue to amaze me lately as I get to know you more each day, little Sylvie. Thinking back to the day I started to abuse you as a means of dealing with my fears, the unknown and my emotions is difficult, but necessary. Life felt chaotic and scary, especially looking through such little girl eyes. You chose to deal with enormous pressures by turning to something which helped you feel safe and protected the best way you knew how, because you were scared and didn't know where to turn. I don't hate you for choosing to do something that would later become the fight of my life today at the age of 41. In fact, I am so proud of you for even wanting to love yourself enough to keep you safe despite all of the challenges you faced back then.

It is so important for me to get to know this sweet little girl that is you. I feel like my life with you felt so sad and scary, and today as I grow older and wiser I simply want to protect you. Life felt raw, uncertain and lonely - and you used the best means you could to ensure that you trudged on everyday and trying to make everyone around you happy. You got lost in this, however. Your happiness got missed, and suddenly the only happiness and safety you felt in life was in how food and purging made you feel.

Today, I carry all of your anger and sadness still. In fact, I carry around your every emotion along with those of my teen self, my younger adult years straight through to this very day. I feel full and heavy with all of that on my shoulders. Today, it causes me to act in a way that is not pleasant and simply not me, then once again turn to food and purging because it all feels so overwhelming. Each day I internalized my every feeling and chose not to share with anyone how I was feeling in a moment. I feel sad for that fact, because I feel it was our responsibility through life to honor the awesome being within us both by using our words, letting go of things through forgiveness or simply standing up for what we believe in. We are deserving of that and so much more sweet Sylvie.

You were taught through life not to have a voice or opinion - but you DO! You were taught to feel insignificant over the years, so much so your self-esteem sunk so low - truth is you are SO significant, worthy and deserving. We are alike in so many ways... You were quiet and shy, so am I today. You were loving and kind - and so am I. We are so much alike in the way we are and how we present ourselves, the way we giggle, our simplicity, our curiousity and our giving nature. I am learning to see the world again with your little girl eyes and it's so beautiful, so amazing and my curiousity with so many things often thrills me from the inside out or gets me in trouble for not thinking more logically.

I promise I am not ashamed of you. I do not blame you. I do not hate you. I won't ever poke fun of you, we've had enough of that through life. It is not my intention to hurt you, however, I am learning on this journey that with hurt comes healing, and so some things may leave our hearts feeling a bit sore or uncomfortable at times. I promise that I believe in you, in our ability to do this together, and finally work through the hard feelings which fuels this damn disease that continues to trip us up. One thing I have learned, we aren't alone. We are never alone. There are kind and loving people who will not only support our efforts and fight to live, but who have also walked a similar walk in life. You aren't the only one who chose to use food as a means of protecting and self-loving because it was all you felt you had. If we open up and reach out now, we can find our path to healing, forgiving and working a program that will be a part of our lives for the rest of time.

There are so many things I want to learn in life, new things to try and fun to have. Your fears and anxiety are still deeply rooted within, they unfortuneately still guide my every thought, every wish and every action. I am working on that so hard because I want nothing more than to be able to let go of what held you back for so long so we can live this life together as a whole, hand in hand. I promise to cherish you, protect you, love you and support you from this day forward. I also am taking this opportunity to forgive you, because while I don't feel any of this was your fault, I do know that you carry all of the guilt and shame of having done this to yourself. You are feeling fragile and vulnerable, unsure and scared. Please don't - because if anyone has your back right now, I do. We will work through this together, one step at a time and side by side because no one has the power to make either of us feel unworthy again.

You are loved sweet girl Sylvie. You are loved, adored and I can't wait to know you more. To know your dreams, your thoughts, your reasons. Today, someone cares and we can't move forward until we heal, forgive and let go. I need to do this more than anything, and judging by all of the internalizing over the years, you need this too. Trust in me, let's dig deep and work through all of the challenges, the hurt feelings, the issues and let's move forward and live life fully, because we have missed SO much already and deserve every bit of happiness, life lovin' and fulfilled dreams.

I am in tears as I write this to you so openly Sylvie. Not because I feel vulnerable or scared, but because I feel hope for the very first time in my life. Acknowledgement of my hurt scared girl who has travelled so far through life feeling scarred, unappreciated, full of fear and like a huge disappointment to so many people in her life. Yes, the disappointment exists, however, it does not define who we are or how we should feel. It isn't something we need to dwell or carry with us everyday through life. Our disease fuelled bad choices, inappropriate ways of thinking and a life of isolation and deceit. We have the power to fuel our lives in a different way, a more safe space with boundaries and personal space and a love for self. One which will carry us through the rest of our life in a more loving, gentle way with an amazing self-respect that will not allow us to take part in hurtful relationships, self-bullying, self-abusing nor letting life pass us by ever again.

I love you little girl Sylvie. Let's move forward together.

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