Victim.

Victim.

I have a long history with that word. I choose to call it history because the word victim is a part of my life that I no longer am identifying with. This blog today is a step in closing the chapter of my life I have been needing to close for .. well, a lifetime. There are so many aspects of the word victim that I am choosing to address today, and I am not aiming this at any people in particular because it is not about pointing fingers or placing blame. This is about my own self-worth, my uphill climb and finding that magical place within that I can base my every moment of every day appreciating the amazing blessings I have around me without bogging myself down with the unnecessary bullshit. (pardon my language). This blog is about my embracing the past and then rounding it all up into a big messy bundle and throwing it far behind me where I am no longer dwelling but instead taking big, fantabulus steps towards the rest of my amazing life. Why? Because I am choosing to make it that.

I am sure there are thousands of ways that people can identify with the word victim. These are the ways I have dealt with the word victim through my forty years, and this is the beginning of my own movement of putting an end to it all and claiming my life and true, inner happiness back. As many of you know, I have been on a journey since April 2011, although my journey truly started a day in 2008 after a self-esteem course which would lead me to making some small, positive decisions to better my own life. I believe that nothing happens without a lot of hard work and self-discipline, and many, many tears. My journey is far from over, in fact in my eyes it is only just the beginning. I am learning so much about myself; my quirks, my personality, things I want to try, my goals, beliefs and much, much more. But one thing I am learning more about myself today is that I have boundaries, I have expectations and standards of people around me and I have a lot more self-worth since back in 2008. It's been a slow uphill climb of accomplishments and small steps that have led me to blossom into this girl who not only shows her feelings and chooses her battles, but as the girl who is putting herself out there and taking her own life back.

So today, the word victim has been running through my head as something that has felt consistent through my lifetime. So there are some things I need to address, to no one specific (the people that have had a part in any of what I am about to say know their part and it's their own things to deal with, just as my own are to me). These things are coming to life today merely for my own parting ceremony; a celebration of letting go and shedding another piece of me that's been holding me back for so long. Closing unnecessary chapters in my life helps me grow and to revive the pieces within me I have buried within. These things have held me back, isolate me and eventually broke me down to the point i no longer believed in my own self.

Everyone deserves the right to believe in themselves.

Everyone deserves the chance to shine.

So here it goes, all or nothing - but these are my truths.

1/ Bullying - This one is first because I have dealt with bullying in Junior High School up until recently in many different forms. Many people deal with bullying, and it has to end.. Whether it is school mate, co-worker, family member, peer pressure from friends, a random stranger in passing - it is hard to see passed the ridicule, the hurt and the inner sadness or anger to take it for what it really is. I, personally, have spent a lifetime trying to fight for the attention of people who didn't have my well-being at heart. Self-esteem gets damaged and we should all be celebrating our unique, diverse and amazing selves because we all have purpose.. I am taking a stand today, to not only for myself but everyone who deals with bullying on any level. Be the shoulder that someone needs, be the friend when no one else is, and appreciate the unique traits in the people around you as well as your own.. Know that you count, you are worthy and you have purpose. This is one area of my life that I am putting behind me - and distancing many people in my life for my own well-being. The bullying, the negativity and abusive behaviors stop here because I am strong enough to say I won't allow people to have that power in my life, nor will I spend any time in my future dwelling.. From here on, it's about healing, moving forward and helping others.

2/ Self-Victimization - It's easy to get so lost within yourself that you can't even see a situation for what it really may be. I have spent a lot of my life playing victim for many reasons; the need for attention in the wrong places and from the wrong people, sometimes it was a way to get people to feel sorry for me, depression and isolating and finding reasons to stay in that empty, lonely, dark place within or simply because it's really all I ever knew. I am not proud of ever playing victim through life, and may have even hurt people in the past because of it. But today is about shaking it off, and stepping into the strong, positive and courageous being I am today and embracing the knowledge that I am no longer the girl I was. I am freeing myself and no longer bound to that negative spot within, the one I am ready to bury and not set myself up to go there anymore.. I am ready to work through the necessary means of leaving what weighs me down behind me. Today is about steps forward through self-discovery and much forgiveness.

3/ The last one, which I separated from number one due to it being a category all on it's own. Self-bullying. I am my own worst enemy. Nobody can be harder on me than I truly am with my own self. I don't give myself any breaks and I am so quick to knock myself down. Building my self-esteem will be something I am working on for the rest of my life, much like my recovery and my weight loss. Everyday I will seek ways to remind myself that I am someone worth celebrating, the same way I celebrate each of you everyday. Love for self hasn't been an easy road through addiction, eating disorders, bullying and life's paths I chose. I look back and I could easily pick myself apart for the wrong choices I made, the people I know I disappointed and the horrible things I've done to my body. There are many factors which helped break down my self-esteem, many of those factors being of my own doing, even. Today, I am choosing to be transparent - to allow you all to see the real me shine and mostly to allow myself to see that, to not hide and be invisible any longer. To reach for dreams, achieve my goals and to simply believe in myself, feel my worth and not bully someone I am learning to love. If I am passionate about putting a stop to bullying, then why do I deserve to bully myself.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

So as I sign off this blog, I am feeling really good about these steps forward.
Steps to leaving it all behind, forgiveness, distancing where necessary. Self-love, self-esteem and self-worth; up-steps and consistently surrounding myself with positive things and positive people.. Pursuing my passions in putting myself out there to help make changes; to stop bullying and to raise awareness and to pay it all forward, every day.