Living in the Present -

"There may be life in the future, and there was certainly life in the past, but my footing is in the present. Today is where the past has it's meaning, and where the future is shaped.  Looking far forward, mapping out my life in the future, I waste the power of the present.  And lingering in the past, twisting it's circumstances and falsifying it's memory is an injustice to both past and present. I am thankful that my past has brought me to this present, where I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live."
For Today, Overeater's Anonymous  - January 4th Meditation - Page 4.

This was so important for me to read today, and something that I must continue keep fresh in mind.  I need to learn to live in the present moment.  To not obsess the past that I cannot change and not worry about the future I have no control over. I spend an abnormal amount of time trying to control things in my life that I simply do not have any control over.  And then I get ridiculously hard on myself, of course.  I need to set realistic expectations of my day and learn acceptance, patience and self-respect.

What does reliving the past do for me, other than keep me stuck in a negative, sad mindset? Nothing.
What does trying to control the future do for me other than waste valuable and precious time? Nothing.

In fact, it prevents me from living each day.  I become unaware of my surroundings and I miss out on the wonderful people who surround me, and the countless ways I could be celebrating life each day. It's a means of isolating myself from the reality of today and truly makes me miserable within my own skin.  I find myself screaming horrendous things within and self-bullying - which is slowly chipping away the happiness from my soul.

Today is the day I take back my recovery.  I need to actively participate in my own well-being, because no one else can drop happiness off on my doorstep.  The longer I do this to myself, the more I lose my spirit.  I don't want to fall back into the pits of my past life because I am not that girl anymore.  I have grown and flourished into someone who craves a healthier mindset.  Someone who not only feels energetic and eats healthy, but someone who can for the first time love the skin she is in.

So what will I do, then? 
- I will pick up my OA meditation book and read the daily entry each day.
- I will actively read and participate when time allows in the Overeater's Anonymous online forums.
- I will attend an OA meeting every day (Monday nights  are face to face meetings & online meetings every other day)
- I will pick up my literature and read it often.  The big book, my 12x12, and Voices of Recovery book.
- I will actively share with you all the accomplishments, the learnings, the challenges and keep it real.
- I will work in my workbook as often as I possibly can.
- I will work  through all 12 steps, successfully, no matter how hard it is.
- I will keep close contact with my sponsor.
- I will stay true to my abstinent list and always portion, measure food and be mindful of  how I am feeling.
- I will use all of my tools daily, that are present to help me with my recovery.
- I will log off of this blog and take the first step into my recovery by reading chapter one of my 12x12.


Overall, I need to embrace what recovery does for me, when I am present emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  I am deserving. 

Words for 2013..

Words.
Words aren't always what they seem.  2012 has been a lot of words - accomplishments, goals, opportunities, forgiveness, friendships.
I could go on and on with all of the words, but something different within me today has helped me to recognize that words, are simply words.
While I have had a lot of fabulousness in 2012, nothing  has remained consistent.  It has been a rollercoaster ride of events starting back as far as April of 2011.
I have been very successful with each of those words, especially my accomplishments.

So what will be different about 2013?
My words! 
I have a new word. Deserving.  I fall when I convince myself that I am not deserving.  Simple little things can take my hope away from me, if I let it.  Other people may help me feel hopeless and not deserving, but only if I let them.  Today, I am stepping into my new mindset and zipping it up tight around me.  It will in turn bring me commitment, motivation, consistency, action, moving forward, self-esteem, strength and so much more.  The word deserving will help me push forward, face fears, take chances, embrace new and exciting adventures , and keep me consistently working on my health and recovery.  When I do not feel deserving, I become very hard on myself and allow very mean thoughts, bullying (by others as well as myself) and excuses, denial and disconnecting with the people who matter, my recovery as well as my spiritual guidance.

I am deserving, in fact we are all deserving of wonderful things.  But, self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love aren't always easy to embrace for ourselves as something we deserve.  As I look back through the years and stages of my 39 years, and reflect on the things that held me back, made me do things I am not proud of or that were factors in the difficult things I must work through starting today. I realize that deserving is not a word I have ever used through those years, nor felt within.  Today, I am not only accepting it but I am refocusing my plan with the knowledge that I 'am' very deserving of good health, good people, feeling happy in my skin, positive things that bring me joy and my recovery.

I want to ring in the new year with listing some big things I am very proud of for 2012, & what I will work on in 2013.  I don't believe in making New Year's Resolutions, they never work for me.  But I do believe in making lifestyle commitments which are something to focus on all 365 days of the year.  Tomorrow starts a brand new year, with brand new fresh starts, and so much to achieve.  We have it within us, if we feel it out from within and embrace the passion and make it happen.  Tomorrow is the first blank page of a brand new chapter, and I have so much that I am looking forward to.

So my top 5 accomplishments -
1 - College, I am currently studying to become a nurse, and I am loving every course, exam and clinical experience so far.  For years I have struggled with the idea of wanting to go back to school, but never have I been able to physically take that step and make it happen.  I am now making it happen while balancing work hours, family life, life in general.

2 - Inspiring, I have spent my entire life seeking approval and acceptance from other people, but now today I am not only seeking approval and acceptance from within my own self but I am inspiring others and coming up with ideas to make a difference, pay it forward all in remembering where I came from.  I never forget where I started and why I am here doing what I am today, and if I can make a difference in any one person's life or help them through their own issues which were much like my own, then I know that I am doing what I am meant to do in life.

3 - Isolating, it was difficult to break myself out of that comfortable and familiar mold where I have spent so many years of my life pushing myself away from people and hobbies that I love.  Walking back into my own life has brought me many touching reunions with people who not only care about my well-being and have worried deeply, but also that I love dearly.  There are some people, however, that are not in my corner no matter what they say, and though it is hard to accept this I have built much strength throughout this year that allows me to finally let go and keep these people at a healthy distance for my own self.  I am in self-protection mode and this happens when one discovers and feels their own worth.  I do find myself isolating at times still, however, I am finding ways everyday to break that mold more and more.  I am reclaiming my life back and enjoying every damn minute of it.

4 - Discovering, things about myself that I pushed away over the years.  Things I used to love, things I've wanted to learn, things I enjoy, getting to know other people, appreciation of nature.. The list goes on, truly and this year has been an amazing journey of discovering things I loved to do and things I want to learn in the future.  I have a long life of wonderful things to reclaim and experience, and so looking forward to it all.  The very fact I believe in myself and want to take chances shows the increase in my self-esteem and the inner work I have been doing.

5 - All of the little things that I am proud of that I can't possibly list them all.  Some examples - the ability to wear a sleeveless shirt in public, the ability to walk up a set of stairs without getting winded, running my first official 5k, every single bit of recovery work I have done this passed year, embracing spirituality, learning to love myself inside & out, making amends, finding forgiveness, distancing the negatives in my life, getting off of high blood-pressure medication, losing 114 lbs, fitting into clothes that are *not* a plus size and so, so much more.  The changes in me are countless and surfacing is the girl within who always struggled to show herself to the world, and that girl I no longer am.

Now, I have a list of things that I am determined will be accomplishments for 2013.  I don't like to call them New Year's Resolutions because often people say they are making a resolution and don't follow through (or at least that's how it was for me).  It's a life enhancing journey, one that will continue through 2013 with more things to work on and quite possibly for the rest of my life.  That thought doesn't scare me at all because I know my recovery and healthy lifestyle *is* a lifetime commitment.  Being a better me  will always tie in with those things because for me as I work on my recovery something changes within that makes me want to do better things for myself in all aspects of my life as well as the people I love around me.

Things I plan to work on & accomplish for 2013 -
01 - Graduating from this course & applying for the LPN course.
02 - Completing the recovery steps for Overeater's Anonymous.
03 - Running in at least 3 more events this year.
04 - To go for something I have been wanting to learn (such as kickboxing, belly dancing, a sign language or photography course)
05 - To take back up knitting and sewing, re-familiarize myself with it and get back into the hobbies I once loved.
06 - To go swimming in a lake or ocean, something I haven't done since childhood.
07 - To inspire, volunteer and help make a difference in various areas I am most passionate about.
08 - To work on more self-love, self-acceptance and growing more comfortable with not only the  body I am in, but the body I *was* in prior to losing weight, because I feel I am deserving of that self-acceptance and love after having lived almost my whole life hating my body  & me in general.
09 - To be more outgoing, to be a more present individual in people's lives, let people know when I care, that I worry and that I miss and love them.  To get to know people as I love making friendships and learning another's story.
10 - Work through emotions, share how I feel, use my voice.. In doing so, to also be open minded, judge less and accept differences. Learning to see things from a different spectrum not only opens my mind but brings warmth to my heart.
11 - When I make mistakes, learning to accept that they are learning experiences, they bring change, insight and inner  growth. They shape me into someone stronger and someone who will take chances..Being hard on myself is not an option for 2013 after all of the learning experiences of 2012.
12 - Clean eating.  Meditate often.  Stress less. Be active.
13 - Try dragon fruit, star fruit, ugli fruit, lemongrass, and all of the exotic fruits and vegetables I handle at the grocery store because they look different.  Also, to continue developing a healthy relationship with food, try new recipes, healthy up recipes and enjoy my kitchen experience much more in 2013.

Lastly, thank you to each of you for 2012.  Your support, encouragement and sharing with me have made this year truly a wonderful one for me.  You have all been by my side through some of my happiest moments as well as my downright challenging moments.  I am thankful for people who will share their own experiences with me, because it not only helps me get to know you better, but helps me get to know my own self as well.

Much to come in 2013, be on the lookout!