Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Today is a day of gratitude..
Everyday, is a day of gratitude for me, but then I have these days which it's extremely important to show gratitude upon more gratitude.
A big part of my recovery (for me) is practicing daily gratitude.. It started with a girl back in April of 2011 who didn't practice appreciation in any way.
I was in a very, very miserable place, honestly. And so embarking on this journey it has been one of recovery, weight loss, healthy lifestyle and self-esteem, of course.. But more importantly, and one I rarely mention, one of inner peace and happiness..True, deep & lovely happiness..
When in isolation, I spent countless years pushing away everyone and everything I loved.. I was full of anger, hurt, resentment and found it hard to even appreciate the small things around me, including my food. That sounds surprising to most of you, I'm sure.. Food was my main focus for most of my life, but in an obviously very unhealthy way. And so there was no appreciation for food whatsoever.. The self-abuse and obsession with food left me feeling lethargic, miserable and very unhappy with myself. I spent my days and nights chasing for that very first "high" I got when I first tasted certain foods. I was never going to find that high again.. Today, I really believe and admit I am still holding myself in isolation, however, everyday I am working through ways of pulling myself out. I am bringing people back into my life, slowly. I am once again allowing myself to do the things I once loved doing. I am seeking new things to try and love.. I am making much progress.
Days like today, bring me much inner peace.. When I can stop the chaos around me even for a moment and take a good hard look at everything that surrounds me, and find a true, deep appreciation for everything and everyone in my life. Even the people who do *not* have my best intentions at heart, have a place in my life and a reason. On a day like today I can find appreciation for the lessons and growth I have within me, because of them. I don't think any person ever sets out to be miserable to someone intentionally, without their being a reason of past hurt or learned behavior from their own lives. When I can see this suffering within them, I can appreciate their being and put out good intentions towards their hurt in hopes they find peace, and I can realize within that yes what they say or what they do hurt me, but their hurt must be greater than mine.. It helps me find forgiveness and make decisions on how to handle certain people and situations, so that I can move forward and not dwell on their behaviors or choices.
This has been a very powerful journey for me, thus far.. Gratitude is something I did not practice enough of in my life, and is something I never feel I can overload on today. The more I find appreciation for everything around me, the more I find appreciation in people in my life, the more I find peace with reasons, explanations and life in general. On a journey, such as this, I am putting my very tender self out there for all to see and am taking steps and bringing people and things back into my life which I have been pushing away a very long time.. It invokes a lot of emotion within, something I don't openly share, most days because of the guilt and shame I feel.. But on days of gratitude, the emotions willingly pour out of me for all to see and I can find the positivity in that as well.
It's such a deep and inner magic, within. To live a life of feeling so damn miserable and having the capability now to stop and appreciate, and to have a very genuine love of life. To not spend my days finding ways to make myself miserable anymore, but instead to spend my days seeking positivity and working through my inner turmoil which has been a very long time in the making, step by step. As I take each step in working through my fears, resentments & selfish behaviors that I've spent a lifetime building, I find one very small wonderful part of me within that I grab ahold of and put all of my focus on. So in this passed year, I have started piecing together small parts of me that I have recovered, which ultimately has brought me the accomplishments I am forever grateful for, thus far.
How can one not feel so grateful for such an amazing find?
My life, is something I am celebrating every single day.. The air I breathe, the joy I feel within, my accomplishments, the love and support of the people in my life, the ability and desire to work a program of recovery that is challenging and a lot of hard work every single day, the beauty in nature that surrounds me, the breeze on my skin, and the list goes on...I can find joy and appreciation in the things that usually aren't even noticed. And what is amazing, about these days of gratitude, is that as time goes on I have more and more of these days when they used to be so few and far between.
Practice gratitude in your days, even for the simplest of things.. Take moments everyday to appreciate the things and people deserving.
Over time, it grows.. Over time, it doesn't have to be on command, it just starts to happen.. And then you start to find gratitude in most everything, even the things which were once most challenging to you.. Peace and joy, not something I will ever take for granted again.. And I will continue this path of self growth.. practicing gratitude as often as possible, making peace with things and people around me and working through my own issues, releasing them to the universe and finding acceptance in the things I simply cannot change.
It's an amazing journey, if you let it be.