Sunday, 17 June 2012

fear of success & turning that around ~

The fear of success..

This is a hard one for me, I learned this in counselling this week, that it's one of my greatest fears.. Most ( I would think ) would fear of NOT succeeding at something.. In fact, I thought I feared that myself, but no... I fear success.. This passed week, I have really thought hard about this.. I have sought areas of my life this might apply to, and realized it applies to almost every part of my life over the course of my 39 years, especially today.  It's even harder to believe that in all of the work I have done this passed year on myself, and all of the great things I have achieved, that I am not further in helping myself get over that fear..

I fear success in so many things --
1. Every project I start, goes unfinished or not moving much further ahead, constantly feeling stuck, unable & creating doubt in myself.
2. I don't push myself harder when I am acheiving something, I hold myself back .. For example, weight loss, exercise, my recovery.
3. When I am close to moving forward in something, I find ways of setting myself up and backpedaling..

Right now, today, I am looking at my progress and thinking I really have achieved some tremendous things since April of 2011.. I have pushed myself to do some things which are clearly stepping out of my comfort zone, and I know I need to find ways to move past this fear so I am no longer holding myself back.

- I have applied for college to start my nursing journey - and am accepted & registered.
- I have started and am leading a Weight Loss Support Group for employees at my work, me included.
- I have sought help in my recovery, and admitted I can not do this alone..I now have a Sponsor, Counsellor & Dietician & have committed to meetings.
- I am learning to let go, open to change, working on forgiveness and working the 12 Step Program.

These are all very positive things for me, yet today I recognize ways I have been trying to hold myself back in each and every one of those. And in doing so, proving to myself that yes, I fear success.
Today I have decided to haul out my 12x12, my workbook & questions my Sponsor provided to me to also help me work through the Steps.  I am admitting today that despite everything I do, I have ways of disconnecting myself from the literature, the meetings or the work and not truly 'getting' the lesson needed.. In other words, I still do not fully admit that my life is unmanageable. 

I try to manage every single detail of my life.  If things aren't going my way, I break down.. To me, breaking down is when my obsessing comes out full force.. Then I become highly agitated, frustrated and start shaking, crying, my heart beats a mile a minute.. Anger surfaces, I am blaming people around me, I am blaming myself, I am hard on myself and there are NO solutions in sight.  I will dwell, and I am not being honest with myself hardly ever.. I am self-centered in this mindframe, sick of everything and unable to see anything as it is.. Just as "i" want to see it.  It then gives me every reason to want to abuse myself, procrastinate things to the point i don't achieve anything I've wanted to do, which in turn makes me feel worthless, useless and consumed with guilt.  When that anger surfaces it is because I can't "fix" all of these problems anymore.. In my mind, my only fix for these things is to eat the foods i want, as much of it as I want, and to the point I feel numb .. It's that momentary "feel good" to all the pain I feel, the fears I have, the hardships I've endured, the triggers in my life and the unhappiness I feel..Food is ALWAYS my answer, even today.

A few weeks ago, I found out that while I have been abstinent for over a year now from my binge foods, I have only been physically abstinent, not emotionally abstinent.. I am filled with chaos within, even moreso than ever now.. I went so long feeling free from the obsession of food, 103 lbs lost and a great set of daily tools to use and keep myself on the right path.  I thought I had it in the bag, and here I am throwing things aside and food dominating my thoughts once again. I have been so close, SO close to losing myself back to where I started.  I can do mountains of work and push myself ahead step by step for over a year, and I can lose all of that with simply one bite of food. 

So, I know I have the ability to push myself forward and passed my comfort zones.. What my issue NOW is, is to feel worthy of success.. To not fear it anymore, not fear the unknown.. I have lived 39 years in comfort zones, without knowing where to turn, not believing in myself and not feeling like I was deserving in the least.. I have continually set myself up, backpedaled, or held myself back completely.  I have told myself repetitively that I can't do this, because that's what others have told me or made me feel, and over time I started believing that too.  With a repeat pattern of saying "no, I can't.." it's extremely scary to step out of that and feel like maybe I can.. So today, I am blogging this to put some things out there about what I will believe, starting right now.. And what goals I will work on, starting right now.. So that I have the chance for once in my life, NOT to set myself up or hold myself back, but spread my wings and fly - because I am a butterfly, worthy of life and for that chance to fly with peace and a smile in my heart.

- I most certainly CAN, just like anybody else out there.  No one can tell me differently.  If I can't, it's because I wasn't meant to, not because I am a failure.
- I owe this to myself, KC & the children, to be the best me I can be.  Mostly, to myself though, because it is "I" who has the doubts in my achieving all of the possibilities out there..
- I am no one's doormat, I am deserving & worthy and will work on no longer dwelling.
- This is where I pick myself up, put myself back out there, commit to my priorities - and accept that recovery doesn't land on my doorstep, it's hard work, every single day.
- This is a lifetime commitment, there will be good day, and there will  be challenging days. (I don't like saying bad days, because challenging days become good days, when lessons are learned and growth happens because of it)
- When I am not true to using ALL of my tools each day, I set myself up to lose my path to recovery.. And the fight becomes harder each time.
- I need to be completely honest with myself, embrace the being I am, every single imperfection and not be hard on myself about those imperfections, but instead work at understanding them ..

The goals I am flying toward:
- Starting school, graduating & the employment possibilities that come afterwards.
- Continuing with my Sponsor, recovery, counsellor & dietician without procrastination & make my recovery a priority in my life.
- Working my emotional, spiritual and physical recovery altogether, starting from this day forward. Not one at a time, but all hand in hand.
- Working through the 12 steps and completing them
- Working through self forgiveness, letting go of the rest of the negative people and things in my life, and striving forward, positively ready for a life with more peace, happiness & self -acceptance..
- Continued weight loss, (103 lbs so far) - not sure of my goal other than feeling happy with what I see and feel.  No set number.
- Continuing to train to run, run some 5k, 8k & 10k's, with goals of a half marathon and full marathon in Orlando, Florida in January of 2015
- Allowing myself 'me' time, to take up hobbies again, seek new hobbies, and find the quality of life again.
- To get myself financially right again - consolidate and get that behind me, budget and work for a healthy future.
- Starting a Youtube channel, to go with my  blog and facebook page and using them all to my full advantage, each day without procrastinating.

I think these are great goals.. Things I never thought I could achieve, and things I am WANT to achieve and am putting myself out there everyday to try and make these happen.. What is missing, is the belief and what is residing is the fear... This is an honest confessional on things I feel within.  These are honest things I want to be able to do, and would feel so proud of myself for.. I have such a long list of things to try in life, and such a long list of things to bring back into my life..

Today, marks the day I start the hard work, honestly.. And today marks the day this all becomes my priority..
Much love to you all - Thank you for your continued support on my journey..

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