Sunday, 17 June 2012

fear of success & turning that around ~

The fear of success..

This is a hard one for me, I learned this in counselling this week, that it's one of my greatest fears.. Most ( I would think ) would fear of NOT succeeding at something.. In fact, I thought I feared that myself, but no... I fear success.. This passed week, I have really thought hard about this.. I have sought areas of my life this might apply to, and realized it applies to almost every part of my life over the course of my 39 years, especially today.  It's even harder to believe that in all of the work I have done this passed year on myself, and all of the great things I have achieved, that I am not further in helping myself get over that fear..

I fear success in so many things --
1. Every project I start, goes unfinished or not moving much further ahead, constantly feeling stuck, unable & creating doubt in myself.
2. I don't push myself harder when I am acheiving something, I hold myself back .. For example, weight loss, exercise, my recovery.
3. When I am close to moving forward in something, I find ways of setting myself up and backpedaling..

Right now, today, I am looking at my progress and thinking I really have achieved some tremendous things since April of 2011.. I have pushed myself to do some things which are clearly stepping out of my comfort zone, and I know I need to find ways to move past this fear so I am no longer holding myself back.

- I have applied for college to start my nursing journey - and am accepted & registered.
- I have started and am leading a Weight Loss Support Group for employees at my work, me included.
- I have sought help in my recovery, and admitted I can not do this alone..I now have a Sponsor, Counsellor & Dietician & have committed to meetings.
- I am learning to let go, open to change, working on forgiveness and working the 12 Step Program.

These are all very positive things for me, yet today I recognize ways I have been trying to hold myself back in each and every one of those. And in doing so, proving to myself that yes, I fear success.
Today I have decided to haul out my 12x12, my workbook & questions my Sponsor provided to me to also help me work through the Steps.  I am admitting today that despite everything I do, I have ways of disconnecting myself from the literature, the meetings or the work and not truly 'getting' the lesson needed.. In other words, I still do not fully admit that my life is unmanageable. 

I try to manage every single detail of my life.  If things aren't going my way, I break down.. To me, breaking down is when my obsessing comes out full force.. Then I become highly agitated, frustrated and start shaking, crying, my heart beats a mile a minute.. Anger surfaces, I am blaming people around me, I am blaming myself, I am hard on myself and there are NO solutions in sight.  I will dwell, and I am not being honest with myself hardly ever.. I am self-centered in this mindframe, sick of everything and unable to see anything as it is.. Just as "i" want to see it.  It then gives me every reason to want to abuse myself, procrastinate things to the point i don't achieve anything I've wanted to do, which in turn makes me feel worthless, useless and consumed with guilt.  When that anger surfaces it is because I can't "fix" all of these problems anymore.. In my mind, my only fix for these things is to eat the foods i want, as much of it as I want, and to the point I feel numb .. It's that momentary "feel good" to all the pain I feel, the fears I have, the hardships I've endured, the triggers in my life and the unhappiness I feel..Food is ALWAYS my answer, even today.

A few weeks ago, I found out that while I have been abstinent for over a year now from my binge foods, I have only been physically abstinent, not emotionally abstinent.. I am filled with chaos within, even moreso than ever now.. I went so long feeling free from the obsession of food, 103 lbs lost and a great set of daily tools to use and keep myself on the right path.  I thought I had it in the bag, and here I am throwing things aside and food dominating my thoughts once again. I have been so close, SO close to losing myself back to where I started.  I can do mountains of work and push myself ahead step by step for over a year, and I can lose all of that with simply one bite of food. 

So, I know I have the ability to push myself forward and passed my comfort zones.. What my issue NOW is, is to feel worthy of success.. To not fear it anymore, not fear the unknown.. I have lived 39 years in comfort zones, without knowing where to turn, not believing in myself and not feeling like I was deserving in the least.. I have continually set myself up, backpedaled, or held myself back completely.  I have told myself repetitively that I can't do this, because that's what others have told me or made me feel, and over time I started believing that too.  With a repeat pattern of saying "no, I can't.." it's extremely scary to step out of that and feel like maybe I can.. So today, I am blogging this to put some things out there about what I will believe, starting right now.. And what goals I will work on, starting right now.. So that I have the chance for once in my life, NOT to set myself up or hold myself back, but spread my wings and fly - because I am a butterfly, worthy of life and for that chance to fly with peace and a smile in my heart.

- I most certainly CAN, just like anybody else out there.  No one can tell me differently.  If I can't, it's because I wasn't meant to, not because I am a failure.
- I owe this to myself, KC & the children, to be the best me I can be.  Mostly, to myself though, because it is "I" who has the doubts in my achieving all of the possibilities out there..
- I am no one's doormat, I am deserving & worthy and will work on no longer dwelling.
- This is where I pick myself up, put myself back out there, commit to my priorities - and accept that recovery doesn't land on my doorstep, it's hard work, every single day.
- This is a lifetime commitment, there will be good day, and there will  be challenging days. (I don't like saying bad days, because challenging days become good days, when lessons are learned and growth happens because of it)
- When I am not true to using ALL of my tools each day, I set myself up to lose my path to recovery.. And the fight becomes harder each time.
- I need to be completely honest with myself, embrace the being I am, every single imperfection and not be hard on myself about those imperfections, but instead work at understanding them ..

The goals I am flying toward:
- Starting school, graduating & the employment possibilities that come afterwards.
- Continuing with my Sponsor, recovery, counsellor & dietician without procrastination & make my recovery a priority in my life.
- Working my emotional, spiritual and physical recovery altogether, starting from this day forward. Not one at a time, but all hand in hand.
- Working through the 12 steps and completing them
- Working through self forgiveness, letting go of the rest of the negative people and things in my life, and striving forward, positively ready for a life with more peace, happiness & self -acceptance..
- Continued weight loss, (103 lbs so far) - not sure of my goal other than feeling happy with what I see and feel.  No set number.
- Continuing to train to run, run some 5k, 8k & 10k's, with goals of a half marathon and full marathon in Orlando, Florida in January of 2015
- Allowing myself 'me' time, to take up hobbies again, seek new hobbies, and find the quality of life again.
- To get myself financially right again - consolidate and get that behind me, budget and work for a healthy future.
- Starting a Youtube channel, to go with my  blog and facebook page and using them all to my full advantage, each day without procrastinating.

I think these are great goals.. Things I never thought I could achieve, and things I am WANT to achieve and am putting myself out there everyday to try and make these happen.. What is missing, is the belief and what is residing is the fear... This is an honest confessional on things I feel within.  These are honest things I want to be able to do, and would feel so proud of myself for.. I have such a long list of things to try in life, and such a long list of things to bring back into my life..

Today, marks the day I start the hard work, honestly.. And today marks the day this all becomes my priority..
Much love to you all - Thank you for your continued support on my journey..

Saturday, 2 June 2012

alot to say about my anger..


It's such an ugly part of this disease, and I've a lot of anger of many forms that I am working through and still need to work through.
It's a complicated journey, one of many layers.  And I have to peel everything apart, layer by layer and dig down deep and bare all of my feelings..
The brutal honesty with myself, can be so difficult.. For my entire life, I've been one to stuff my feelings within and not share them with anyone.
I developed some major trust issues in my young childhood, and from there started my bulimia. 

Throughout my life, I have carefully added layers of issues, one upon the other, until I am where I am here today.  Within, I am full of what I like to call 'chaos'.
I struggle with obsessing, overeating, behaviours, low self-esteem, self-abuse, a lot of fears, isolation, and the list goes on.  Food has numbed me for a very long time.
Whether the bulimia, the compulsive overeating or the binging & purging, I have depended on food in some way, for my entire life. In this passed year, I have been working
on changing the comforts within my disease, and it's putting me in a very raw, tender & sensitive place.  Not to mention, I have chosen to do this very publicly, and that has
helped me seal the understanding of why most people choose to work through their addiction using anonymity.  It's too late for me to do that now, and so I hold my chin high
each day and I push through the motions the best way I know how.  In saying all of this, this blog is about working on releasing the anger within.  It won't happen quickly, but
this is where I start to pick up the pieces and put them together to form a stronger 'self'..

I have 2 months of unmotivation, and am just getting myself back on track.  Reason for my lack of motivation? Pure mental exhaustion.  Working a recovery is hard work.. Physically,
I have many tools I use in the run of a day, that I start from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed at night.. Between daily meetings, daily journal, daily blogging (not this blog, but
a personal one), working on a program with my sponsor, working through the steps in my workbook and 12x12, daily literature, meditation (countless times per day), counting calories, logging food, pre-planning &
preparing my meals the night before, daily exercise of at least 30 minutes, and more.. I try to work all of that in with my work hours, maintaining my home and spending time with my family.
Then add in appointments through all of that, with my counsellor, my dietician, credit counselling to get my financial problems (caused by years and years of binging), weight loss support group, countless doctor's appointments and hospital tests, and again, the list goes on.. All of that alone would exhaust a person, but now mix in the mental part of this disease.. The things I mentioned above about 'the chaos'..
Every single day, I have this inner battle going on, fighting off urges, continuously obsessing foods, dealing with new 'hard' situations everyday...

None of this is for sympathy.  Because sympathy is the last thing I want or need with this disease.. I'm extremely hard on myself in so many ways, but I know to be healthy, I have to get myself in a healthier mindset and to do that, I need to put it all out there.. So, here I am at a fork in my journey with recovery - where I come to three different paths and a choice to make..
a/ I continue to stuff everything inside, and live with the fact I don't move much farther than I have right now.
b/ I say I am dealing with things, do so partially and stuff in the rest, allowing me to move a bit farther on this journey.
c/ Give it my 110% knowing full well this will be the hardest fight of my life.

My decision, of course, is 'C'.. I've come this damn far,  I don't have it in me to backpedal now..
But, in making this decision and knowing where this journey is now leading me, my anger, sadness, fears, and many other emotions are surfacing..
And so today feels like the ultimate day to take that first step, write this blog & put it out there in the universe.  Please forgive me, for where this is about to go.

- To the people in my life who are not supportive of my journey, weight loss, recovery or bettering my life in any way...I'm done.
Regardless of how 'in the disease' I was, I have always tried my hardest to be completely supportive of anyone in my path and what the need.
I have put everyone first, before my own needs & over the years have come to believe I don't even matter anymore.
I have swallowed insults, judgements and even looked the other way when people certainly did not have my well-being at heart.
Whether they were family, friends, co-workers, classmates, heck even strangers I encounter on the street.. You need to know, I matter too.
I am helping myself, getting healthy, working a recovery program despite the conflict within me, and building myself to a more positive & happier self, day by day.
Nothing will ever help me understand why someone would want to knock me down from doing good things for myself.. No one will ever help me see good reason for that.
Everyone deserves the chance to improve their life, & everyone has worth in this world we live in.  From this day forward, I will not be bullied, triggered or be knocked down from something i've accomplished for ME.
Someone told me at the beginning of this journey, that I needed to love myself before I could spill over that love , and love others.  After one year of working my recovery, I have come to realize that this is SO true.
I have put myself in a much happier, healthier mindset and finally, I have some love for myself.. Enough love to know when someone isn't capable of returning that love.  I can no longer seek attention from people that I've spent a lifetime trying to get.. I can no longer put my own needs aside, because doing so makes me feel like I no longer matter in this world.. I am achieving amazing things, I am following my dreams and putting myself out there, in a world I have isolated myself for so, so long.. Let me have my chance, let me have my life back.. And if you can't be supportive of the things I feel are needed, for me.. Then please understand that if I am distancing you, it's for a reason.. I wouldn't distance someone for just any reason.  Some people, distance will work for, some people I need to be away from altogether - and then there are my dear friends and family that I can hold close and know they support and love me for me, and know that I am doing good things for myself, finally.. Those people are in my safe circle...And I know I am well protected, loved and well on my way to achieving great things in life.. Someone suggested last Monday at an OA meeting, that it's called detachment with love. 

- Food, I am angry about food.. I see people putting anything they want in their mouths, and inside I want that SO much.. My house is my safe zone, most days.. Free from anything that tempts me..But I can't control the foods I see and am surrounded by.. I can walk the street and smell bakery smells and restaurant smells.  I can go to a friend's house and see a cake sitting on the counter.. I can be at work in the staff lounge watching a co-worker eat a delicious smelling greasy pizza slice, or I can be serving a resident a tray with cheesecake or some yummy sugary dessert I long for.. Heck, walking through a grocery store, is aisles full of temptation for me, watching television with commercial ads of temptations, or even listening to someone's conversation almost always has a mention of food of some sort... It's difficult, and it angers me.. Nothing anyone else does, it's all within me.. My behaviours surface and I want to stuff my pockets full of foods I can't have, or grab a plate of something and go hide and stuff my face so fast I can barely chew it before I'm swallowing.. I find myself pacing, sweating, obsessing in my mind, becoming self abusive, crying, or setting myself up in some way to have a much worse day than I should have been having, all because I felt I needed to do that to myself, for whatever reason.. It helps keep me stuck, and it helps me have a reason to be angry within and chew at all of this chaos I continue to hold close to me.. Damn food.. It isn't something I can just quit, like other addictions.. Food surrounds me, food is a necessity and food pisses me off.. Why can't I eat portions, normal portions, at a normal pace ? Why can't I eat the delicious foods I long to eat so much like anyone else ? Why have I done this to myself ? I am an emotional eater, I am a boredom eater, I am an addictive eater, I am a binge eater........I am a compulsive eater.  I'm sick of the way I feel like I am always depriving people in my life when they feel they cant eat something because it might bother me.. I know they do this for my well being, but I am overwhelmed with guilt.. I am also guilty because of they way I overwhelm myself with tasks and then get all obsessive about everything.. Then, I don't follow through with anything because it was too much.. I do these things to myself, and it makes me crazy.. I get obsessive compulsive about housework, and doing things a certain way, and I now become addicted to recovery, and 'that' isn't healthy either..

- I push myself hard, exercisewise.. Sometimes too hard.. Often, I don't do the self-care necessary for hard, vigorous workouts.. Often I don't stretch and take the necessary precautions.. I know better, but I try to fit so many things into my day, I forget about the important things, or push them aside knowingly is more like it.. Today, I sit here with a pulled muscle in my bum, from working out way too hard 2 days in a row, and have amounted to no exercise whatsoever today and quite possibly tomorrow.. So, what do I do?  I sit here, bored in the same spot all day because I can barely move, I am uncomfortable and I go into deep thought.. Thinking gets me in trouble sometimes, because of all of the things within from my childhood, teen years, early adulthood up to today, that I haven't dealt with at all through life.. It starts surfacing and I can't do anything that I usually do to put this stuff at the back of my mind and stuff it all back in.  I'm left here sitting in my thoughts, sniffling, trembling lip and playing pity party for one.. Then, I get angry at myself for having done that.. SO, I decide enough is enough, it's time to dig out the recovery books, questions, workbook and the laptop, and get as comfortable as I can and start working through this...

- I have a lot of guilt from my past.. Between isolating myself from loved ones, and things I loved doing.. From not being as much of a proactive parent as I should have been.. For running myself down financially with my binging and using bill money to do so... For not caring about my health, so much so that I was literally killing myself with food, high blood pressure, pushing diabetes, high cholestrol, you name it.. I didn't care about my appearance, self-care, dressing up, looking presentable.. I didn't care about my weight, I weighed in at 315 when I started this journey.. I would lie, hide my addiction, display my behaviours, steal, had a horrible attitude towards people and did so many unexplainable things I can't even really explain right now due to embarrassment, guilt and not knowing "how" to deal with these things just yet.  I have lived life, thinking I was a horrible person.. And I know that as I work the steps, I have to go back and make amends with these people, and for the people that trigger me still, I at least have to make amends with myself.. I need to forgive myself, even if others can't forgive me.. I need to be honest, put it all out there for them - and then I need to release these things behind me so I can move forward.. As I work towards these steps, I get more and more nervous, scared and feeling lost and lonely.. Not lonely because I have no one in my life for support, but living with this disease feels like the most lonely place within sometimes.. I feel like I can't explain my thoughts, my behaviours or the way I feel.. I feel like I am constantly being watched, judged and misunderstood.. I feel like I also know that this loneliness is brought on by myself, and is because I find reasons to stay stuck in the disease still.. It's probably a matter of my 'stinkin' thinkin' and so here it is.. Everything out on the table.  My angers, and what I need to work through for the next while.

- I lastly, need to apologize.. I feel as though I am SO distant from my friends and family who DO love and support me these days.. I hope this blog has brought some understanding as to why I am not always available in the run of a day.. I know, I used to be more available for phonecalls, and emails and forums and the such..  I just feel like a marshmallow by the end of the day, and sometimes once I complete my daily things, deal with my high emotions, complete my work shift and spend time with KC & the children, exercise, and the basics (shower, housework, meals, laundry... ) it doesn't leave me a lot of time for anything else.. My days are full, and that's necessary for my well-being right now.. I am strong and willing, and have built my esteem high enough to know I am worth this fight everyday.. I have to put my priorities first, and those are my priorities in a nutshell.. I do my best to find that extra time.

SO for those of you who have known me a lifetime and see some major changes in me, thank you for sticking by my side.. Thank you for understanding that I've been sick for years, and please know that one day, I will probably approach you with a heart to heart explanation of why I did the things I did, why I put myself in such a predicament, and why I may have pushed you away or am distancing you today.. Please, don't automatically fear I am distancing you.. If you are wondering, please ask me and I will squash any worries you have.. There are certain people in my life, who could probably look back over the years and "know" within that they are being distanced for good reason.. For the majority of the people in my life, it's a matter of my lack of time..And needing to get myself where I need to be, just to have some ease in my days.. This will be a lifetime commitment for me, I will never heal, but I can develop a plan that will help me find some peace within, some ease in my days and build a better relationship with appropriate foods..

And, I am very proud of myself and how far I have come.. I continue to dream big, and chase those dreams.. I have some big news in the weeks to come, of things I am doing for myself that are HUGE steps in my 39 years.. And I have a long list of things I plan to achieve over the next while - because now I know I can.. Fabulous words to say, and proof that this journey is exactly where I need to be.. And I am always as available as I can be, when you need me.. Please approach me and know I will get back to you as soon as I can.. I love helping people, and I am so passionate about this stuff and inspiring others one day.. I've lived many years, scared to take that step and ask for help.. Whether about weight loss,  self-esteem, recovery, life improvements of any kind - come find me..

Love to you all - <3