Monday, 30 April 2012
On April 28, 2011, i wrote the words "i'm sick of how i feel, today it changes" ..
For the last couple of months, i have felt so terribly unmotivated where exercise & my recovery are concerned. i stuck with my healthy eating, and exercised here and there, but certainly haven't been pushing myself the way i normally do. i even had a few weeks where i felt so exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. i had started working in my workbook a couple of months ago, through Step One and got most of the way through it, and then felt i couldn't continue on and finish the last 5 questions of that step.. i put my book aside and didn't touch it at all..
One week ago, that 2011 calendar presented itself to me, and i seen the words written in.. "i'm sick of how i feel, today it changes."
All through that day, i picked up the calendar and looked at that square, and started thinking back to the day i wrote that .. It was a highly emotional and hard day for me, i had been in a healthy weight loss challenge at work, yet i was binge eating all of that day and purged twice .. once at work and once at home that night.. i felt miserable, sluggish, unmotivated and full of anger at myself, my eating disorder and the food all over my house.. i went through my cupboards that night, and threw away junkfood that i swore i could be strong enough *not* to eat.. i dishsoaped everything before tossing it in the trash to ensure i wasn't touching it, and then i sat in my bedroom and cried for a good hour, telling myself off ... i would stand in the mirror and lift my shirt and stare at my badly bruised belly and then start pinching at it, repetitively and hard.. This was a common behavior of mine when i was mad at my body and my weakness.. If i couldn't control my eating (and i never could) i would abuse it it numerous ways.. That night, it was pinching and tugging at the belly i was unhappy with and calling myself names...
i am not big on wearing makeup, very occasionally do i.. But, i used my makeup for different reasons - to mark my body. Often, i would take my clothes off and draw all over my body, circle areas i hated, draw arrows to places that made me crazy, writing bad names across my skin to call myself down, and i would stand in the mirror and cry... Often, i left these markings on my body beneath my clothes when i went to work that day, or errands to run.. It gave me a sense of satisfaction that i was acknowledging (even in public) that i had a disgusting body and i hated it . At night, when i would shower i would rinse the markings off in tears, because it hurt to have to remove it all.. That night, that i wrote that on the calendar, i had fallen asleep with many words drawn out on my skin - and the word "disgusting" written across my bedroom mirror.
These are all part of the behaviors i carry with me everyday.. A year ago, i made the decision to finally seek help for a disease i have lived with for most of my life.. It started with bulimia as a young child and started to become something more through my teenage years.. As an adult today, i am a compulsive overeater, food & sugar addict and bulimic.. i think back to the way this all progressed, the reasons and the challenges i struggled through and it makes me that much more proud today to say that i have achieved all of these changes in this passed year.. A girl who not only struggled with addiction and an eating disorder, but a girl who struggled with a low self-esteem and depression. Still very overwhelmed with guilt, i have a lot of things to work through.
Finding this calendar, felt very timely for me. i believe i was meant to see it, in desperation not to have me fall back to old ways.. A relapse is certainly not something i need because i have fought my way through this year to come as far as i have.. i could feel certain behaviors of mine surfacing again, (i had many and plan on doing a blog entry in the near future about those behaviors)..This was the motivation i needed to get myself back in the game. i feel very blessed to have found that calendar when i did and really grasp how far i have come, acknowledge that, pat myself on the back and recognize my strength and ability that i 'can' and will do this.. This is a fight for my life, my health and my inner joy... In the workbook, the 5 questions i was procrastinating were in admitting that i have an incurable disease and that i can't handle life through self-will alone.. That my current methods of managing my life have not been successful and admitting that i needed to find a new approach on life. i had to make an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition and only that could save me from my destructive eating.
So, seeing the words in that calendar helped me climb over that bump in the road that had been blocking me from going any further. i have been sitting stuck, unable to help myself because i needed to admit those things to myself.. Being honest with oneself, i've learned, is the hardest thing i've had to do in life. i have lived in denial for a very, very long time.. So i am at the point in my recovery now, where i admit i am a compulsive overeater who has no control on her life.. i, in fact, do things to set myself up and create a more chaotic environment, which is something that sets me up and keeps me stuck. i dwell a lot on the past and live within my guilt, and have made not only my life miserable but those around me. i have accepted the reality that this *is* an incurable disease and i am ready to change and move forward and that i cannot do this on my own. This weekend i have done some really hard work, i am prioritizing my recovery (for the first time) and seriously using the tools and taking the steps needed..
i am flawed, i'm not perfect and i will have hard, challenging days.. i have a year of amazing things to hold on to, changes within and improvements on my life. i am worth the hard work and i will keep at this and accept that this is a lifetime commitment, i will always have that inner struggle.. This weekend, i finished Step One and then went on to finish Step Two of my Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous. i am back in contact with my Sponsor, and remotivated to push myself further in all aspects of my healthy living again.. i feel i am finally back on track.. It's the little things that present themselves, grab your motivation where you can - we are all worth the time, effort and attention!
Thank You Buddha for having my back!