g.r.a.t.i.t.u.d.e.

Expressing gratitude does a world of good for me, deep down I know this. I feel emotionless when I relapse. Food replaces all of the hard feelings - sadness, anger, frustration...As I begin day one, I start feeling overwhelmed with things I feel inside. I want to stuff everything back down again. I am scared of the things I feel inside and have a hard time understanding how to even deal with the things I have going on. At times I try to express myself and am riddled with guilt because I feel I am annoying people or using their valuable time. So gratitude helps me begin to feel valuable myself. To appreciate the things around me but to also appreciate that I deserve (finally) to work on these steps and to heal and forgive and make peace with myself. I am miserable and SO ready to finally make peace with myself more than anyone else in my life, because I feel that is what holds me back from making peace with anyone else, my lack of worth. If I took the time to practice gratitude daily as I am about to do below, I will hopefully open up to facing the world daily with a enormous gratitude in my mind, heart and soul and participate fully in my own recovery.

5 Things I am Grateful for Today: 

1. OA resources, the loops, the meetings, the literature, the sponsors and the willingness to openly share the positives, the struggles and everything in between.
It isn't easy to share details about such personal things and it helps me so much to listen as well as share my own.

2. I am grateful for no limits. There are no limits to how many times we can get up and try again. There are no limits to the ways we can help ourselves. There are no limits to healthier choices, ears who will listen, self-acceptance and new paths to follow in life. There are only limits to these things when we allow them.

3. I am grateful I am not inviting my self-bully into my day today. In my relapse starting back in September of last year, I have continually allowed my self-bully to humiliate me and knock my self-esteem further into the ground. While I know it will take time I am grateful to know that positive mindset is possible again and for today I will not bully myself. I need to believe I am worth more than that again.

4. I am grateful for knowledge. I am a compulsive eater/binger, food/sugar addict and bulimic. I have a lifetime of abusing my body with food, purging and self-bullying. I am grateful for the understanding of my disease so that I have opportunity to help myself especially after I have relapsed. I know the dangers of what I have been doing to myself and feel worthy enough to save myself. I want to save myself from further abuse and potentially death. That means I feel some self-worth - and for that I am very grateful today.

5. Lastly, I am grateful for the ability to step out of my protective shell today. While isolating is extremely hard, sad and a miserable place to be, it is also what feels safest and easiest. I push people away and live in a solo world of shame and sadness that I can't quite describe right now. For today, I am extremely grateful for the courage to step out of that comfort zone and ask for help. I may not be reaching to anyone specifically, and certainly don't feel ready for that - however, I am ready for helping myself and taking small steps toward my recovery.

Old tapes and a confession.

I have a lot of old tapes from my past which still can impact me to this day (if I let them).
I think this needs to be the first step to my moving forward again in this journey, and is something that has helped me stay stuck over the years.
I think back to my childhood, teenage years, early adulthood and there are so many instances of things I continue to dwell on and cause anger within.
Some are simple and some are not so simple.. All are hurtful.

Some things that impact me to this day from my childhood.
Turning on a television in the daytime, sitting on the sofa or taking a nap all meant I was lazy.
To this day, as a 40 year old woman, as I balance full-time school and work hours, there are days I feel like I am exhausted and crashing.
An hour nap could really refresh me, probably, and get me back into my studies.  Instead, I lay on the sofa or bed and get angry at myself for being so lazy.
Old tapes, they're a terrible thing to hang on to and believe in.

Restricted food, as a teenager led me to sneaking food and hiding it.  Hard times called for desperate measures, it's understood.
What isn't understood today, as I think back to this, is how things were said and how the words made me feel.  I became a nervous wreck about food and portions.
I couldn't wait to get out on my own so I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted with no one to tell me any different.  Meal times were frustrating and made me angry.
I get that it's a part of my disease, but many behaviours developed over the years due to an unhealthy stance on food, portioning and how things were handled.
My unhealthy food thoughts have grown much more since then, by my own accord.

I do not blame anyone in my past, present or future.  I know this is my disease, let that be known.
But what starts a 10-11 year old girl on binging and purging? I turned to abusing food and my body at a very young age. For almost 30 years of my life I have abused this body, inside and out.

And now, some confessions:
I have paid a hefty price for the binging and purging for so many years.
I will *not* look at these embarrassing, but as the reasons to be grateful for how far I have come today.
And this is a beginning process of self-forgiveness.

(1) I have a disease of food addiction which I struggle with daily and will for the rest of my life.
(2) I have lost almost all of my teeth due to the acid from my stomache when I've purged for so many years. They literally rotted and broke, and now I wear dentures. (full on top, partial on bottom)
(3) My hair has thinned a lot due to some deficiencies caused by doing this to myself. I have bald patches (which has improved a bit this last year) but will likely never get full like it once was. I often get embarrassed over this and have to do my hair a certain way all of the time.  I also have no bangs at all and they will never grow back.
(4) Distorted thinking, depression and anxiety.  It prevents me from doing so much and everyday is a battle within myself to move forward and try new things.
(5) Esophageal problems, stomache problems and possibly acid reflux all due to the purging for so many years as well.
(6) My skin.  It looks old and unkept, rough, tired and dried out.  I drink a lot of water, and pamper my skin lots. Nothing works anymore.
(7) My lack of concentration, obsessive compulsive disorder, control issues.. Not caused BY but very much related.
(8) Self-esteem, confidence and self-worth issues I may very well carry with me for a lifetime.  While I can't be rid of them, I do try and learn to handle them differently.
(9)  Muscle aches.  While I am unsure if this is an actual symptom, it's something I have heard was. My muscles ache far more than the activity I put them through.
(10) My inability to feel hunger, or when I am full.  Sometimes I feel like I might, but I don't know if I will ever feel these things again permanently.

I'm sure I could list many more.
The point of this post wasn't to out all of the things I feel guilty and ashamed about due to my 30 years of food issues.
The point of this post is to say the old tapes keep me stuck, many of which are my OWN old tapes, such as the confessions I've listed here today.
They are things I feel ashamed and embarrassed about, and that continue to hold me back.

Today, is about forgiveness and moving forward.
Breaking these old tapes in half and tossing them out of my head altogether.
Probably not as easy as that, however I believe this was the first step.

Feeling a little naked right now, and scared putting this out there. 

Food Plan & Abstinence: Truth.

Tuesday was a difficult food day.
Actually, let's be honest.  Food has been difficult since September of 2012.

I have come to terms with a few things since diving back into my recovery work.  
1 - I need to be more specific with my abstinence list and food plan.
2 - I have relapsed in terms of portion sizes and not acknowledging some problem foods and overdoing it with them.
3 - Sugar is a no-no, however carbs are a definite problem of mine.

It's been extremely important for me that I follow the Canada Food Guide as a means of eating healthy.  Along with that, using my tools and working daily in recovery.  If I am not actively working on my program daily, then I am setting myself up for hard days.  Being honest with myself today, regardless of how much I work on my program, I feel as though I am pushing myself down further and further rather than climbing up and stepping forward.

My hard truth: 
When I eat carbs, I crave them more.  My mind starts misbehaving.  My behaviours surface and I find myself pocketing crackers or sneaking slices of bread or spooning extra portions of pasta.  In the morning I usually start with a bowl of cereal as my first meal of the day carb.  I fill that small bowl to the very top with that cereal and call it one cup.  Is it truly? No. It wouldn't be quite 2 cups, but it's definitely more.  I eat my egg and a piece of fruit, and it's a perfectly balanced breakfast for me.  However, after consuming that breakfast I then find myself not even an hour later shuffling through cupboards or thinking of toasting bread.  Then, at morning snack I make a perfectly balanced snack of protein and fruit, but am sneaking carbs by again grabbing a handful of crackers or something because I can't stand "just" having fruit and protein.  Then, by lunch time, I am ready to eat but I am so overwhelmed by wanting to toast up 4-6 slices of bread with jam (NOT because I am hungry for all of that mind you), i just crave the carbs in abnormal amounts.

How does that make me feel? 
When I consume a normal helping of carbs, it triggers something in my mind to want more.  Not from hunger, but what feels like sheer greed.  I am substituting the carbs for the craving of sugar and foods I am abstinent from, and so carbs has become a really big problem for me.  I have gained over 30 lbs back since September because of my inability to control myself and inability to be honest with myself.  So now I am laying it all out, making myself accountable and reworking this food plan and abstinence list because I have to, and because I need this.  When I have consumed an abnormal amount of carbs, it leaves me feeling lethargic, sluggish, non-energetic and I can't even begin to express what my mental state goes through.  I get so hard on myself and my self-bully comes alive JUST as it does with overdosing on sugar. So in being honest with myself, all of these things tell me I need to back off of the carbs.

What is important to do? (in my case)
1 - I need to maintain a calorie count of 1200-1400 calories a day.
2 - With eliminating carbs, I am going to allow increased protein.
3 - I usually eat balanced with a carb/protein/fruit & vegetable for each meal, and a snack of protein & fruit/vegetable.
4 - Vegetables (not fruit) are considered a free food for me (unless it's a vegetable high in carbs)
5 - I will allow vegetables high in carbs, but in lower amounts. (no filling the plate half full with them)
6 - High carb vegetables (carrots, beets, peas, winter squashes(such as acorn and butternut), water chestnuts, parsnips, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, plantains)
7 - There are three types of carbs that I do not crave more of, or crave other carbs from, as of yet anyway. Steel cut oatmeal, brown basmati rice & quinoa.
8 - If I feel it absolutely necessary to consume carbs, they are safe foods for me.

So yesterday was my first day, no carbs. I fared really well.  The cravings are still there and I have some food anger to work through, however, NOT putting the carbs in my mouth has given me my first truly successful day.  I used my tools, I have exercised and I am feeling far more positive mindwise than I have been since September of last year.

Honesty isn't easy.  But I feel like I am on the right path, after all;
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.

Victim.

Victim.

I have a long history with that word. I choose to call it history because the word victim is a part of my life that I no longer am identifying with. This blog today is a step in closing the chapter of my life I have been needing to close for .. well, a lifetime. There are so many aspects of the word victim that I am choosing to address today, and I am not aiming this at any people in particular because it is not about pointing fingers or placing blame. This is about my own self-worth, my uphill climb and finding that magical place within that I can base my every moment of every day appreciating the amazing blessings I have around me without bogging myself down with the unnecessary bullshit. (pardon my language). This blog is about my embracing the past and then rounding it all up into a big messy bundle and throwing it far behind me where I am no longer dwelling but instead taking big, fantabulus steps towards the rest of my amazing life. Why? Because I am choosing to make it that.

I am sure there are thousands of ways that people can identify with the word victim. These are the ways I have dealt with the word victim through my forty years, and this is the beginning of my own movement of putting an end to it all and claiming my life and true, inner happiness back. As many of you know, I have been on a journey since April 2011, although my journey truly started a day in 2008 after a self-esteem course which would lead me to making some small, positive decisions to better my own life. I believe that nothing happens without a lot of hard work and self-discipline, and many, many tears. My journey is far from over, in fact in my eyes it is only just the beginning. I am learning so much about myself; my quirks, my personality, things I want to try, my goals, beliefs and much, much more. But one thing I am learning more about myself today is that I have boundaries, I have expectations and standards of people around me and I have a lot more self-worth since back in 2008. It's been a slow uphill climb of accomplishments and small steps that have led me to blossom into this girl who not only shows her feelings and chooses her battles, but as the girl who is putting herself out there and taking her own life back.

So today, the word victim has been running through my head as something that has felt consistent through my lifetime. So there are some things I need to address, to no one specific (the people that have had a part in any of what I am about to say know their part and it's their own things to deal with, just as my own are to me). These things are coming to life today merely for my own parting ceremony; a celebration of letting go and shedding another piece of me that's been holding me back for so long. Closing unnecessary chapters in my life helps me grow and to revive the pieces within me I have buried within. These things have held me back, isolate me and eventually broke me down to the point i no longer believed in my own self.

Everyone deserves the right to believe in themselves.

Everyone deserves the chance to shine.

So here it goes, all or nothing - but these are my truths.

1/ Bullying - This one is first because I have dealt with bullying in Junior High School up until recently in many different forms. Many people deal with bullying, and it has to end.. Whether it is school mate, co-worker, family member, peer pressure from friends, a random stranger in passing - it is hard to see passed the ridicule, the hurt and the inner sadness or anger to take it for what it really is. I, personally, have spent a lifetime trying to fight for the attention of people who didn't have my well-being at heart. Self-esteem gets damaged and we should all be celebrating our unique, diverse and amazing selves because we all have purpose.. I am taking a stand today, to not only for myself but everyone who deals with bullying on any level. Be the shoulder that someone needs, be the friend when no one else is, and appreciate the unique traits in the people around you as well as your own.. Know that you count, you are worthy and you have purpose. This is one area of my life that I am putting behind me - and distancing many people in my life for my own well-being. The bullying, the negativity and abusive behaviors stop here because I am strong enough to say I won't allow people to have that power in my life, nor will I spend any time in my future dwelling.. From here on, it's about healing, moving forward and helping others.

2/ Self-Victimization - It's easy to get so lost within yourself that you can't even see a situation for what it really may be. I have spent a lot of my life playing victim for many reasons; the need for attention in the wrong places and from the wrong people, sometimes it was a way to get people to feel sorry for me, depression and isolating and finding reasons to stay in that empty, lonely, dark place within or simply because it's really all I ever knew. I am not proud of ever playing victim through life, and may have even hurt people in the past because of it. But today is about shaking it off, and stepping into the strong, positive and courageous being I am today and embracing the knowledge that I am no longer the girl I was. I am freeing myself and no longer bound to that negative spot within, the one I am ready to bury and not set myself up to go there anymore.. I am ready to work through the necessary means of leaving what weighs me down behind me. Today is about steps forward through self-discovery and much forgiveness.

3/ The last one, which I separated from number one due to it being a category all on it's own. Self-bullying. I am my own worst enemy. Nobody can be harder on me than I truly am with my own self. I don't give myself any breaks and I am so quick to knock myself down. Building my self-esteem will be something I am working on for the rest of my life, much like my recovery and my weight loss. Everyday I will seek ways to remind myself that I am someone worth celebrating, the same way I celebrate each of you everyday. Love for self hasn't been an easy road through addiction, eating disorders, bullying and life's paths I chose. I look back and I could easily pick myself apart for the wrong choices I made, the people I know I disappointed and the horrible things I've done to my body. There are many factors which helped break down my self-esteem, many of those factors being of my own doing, even. Today, I am choosing to be transparent - to allow you all to see the real me shine and mostly to allow myself to see that, to not hide and be invisible any longer. To reach for dreams, achieve my goals and to simply believe in myself, feel my worth and not bully someone I am learning to love. If I am passionate about putting a stop to bullying, then why do I deserve to bully myself.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

So as I sign off this blog, I am feeling really good about these steps forward.
Steps to leaving it all behind, forgiveness, distancing where necessary. Self-love, self-esteem and self-worth; up-steps and consistently surrounding myself with positive things and positive people.. Pursuing my passions in putting myself out there to help make changes; to stop bullying and to raise awareness and to pay it all forward, every day.

Living in the Present -

"There may be life in the future, and there was certainly life in the past, but my footing is in the present. Today is where the past has it's meaning, and where the future is shaped.  Looking far forward, mapping out my life in the future, I waste the power of the present.  And lingering in the past, twisting it's circumstances and falsifying it's memory is an injustice to both past and present. I am thankful that my past has brought me to this present, where I am learning to use all my energy and spirit to live."
For Today, Overeater's Anonymous  - January 4th Meditation - Page 4.

This was so important for me to read today, and something that I must continue keep fresh in mind.  I need to learn to live in the present moment.  To not obsess the past that I cannot change and not worry about the future I have no control over. I spend an abnormal amount of time trying to control things in my life that I simply do not have any control over.  And then I get ridiculously hard on myself, of course.  I need to set realistic expectations of my day and learn acceptance, patience and self-respect.

What does reliving the past do for me, other than keep me stuck in a negative, sad mindset? Nothing.
What does trying to control the future do for me other than waste valuable and precious time? Nothing.

In fact, it prevents me from living each day.  I become unaware of my surroundings and I miss out on the wonderful people who surround me, and the countless ways I could be celebrating life each day. It's a means of isolating myself from the reality of today and truly makes me miserable within my own skin.  I find myself screaming horrendous things within and self-bullying - which is slowly chipping away the happiness from my soul.

Today is the day I take back my recovery.  I need to actively participate in my own well-being, because no one else can drop happiness off on my doorstep.  The longer I do this to myself, the more I lose my spirit.  I don't want to fall back into the pits of my past life because I am not that girl anymore.  I have grown and flourished into someone who craves a healthier mindset.  Someone who not only feels energetic and eats healthy, but someone who can for the first time love the skin she is in.

So what will I do, then? 
- I will pick up my OA meditation book and read the daily entry each day.
- I will actively read and participate when time allows in the Overeater's Anonymous online forums.
- I will attend an OA meeting every day (Monday nights  are face to face meetings & online meetings every other day)
- I will pick up my literature and read it often.  The big book, my 12x12, and Voices of Recovery book.
- I will actively share with you all the accomplishments, the learnings, the challenges and keep it real.
- I will work in my workbook as often as I possibly can.
- I will work  through all 12 steps, successfully, no matter how hard it is.
- I will keep close contact with my sponsor.
- I will stay true to my abstinent list and always portion, measure food and be mindful of  how I am feeling.
- I will use all of my tools daily, that are present to help me with my recovery.
- I will log off of this blog and take the first step into my recovery by reading chapter one of my 12x12.


Overall, I need to embrace what recovery does for me, when I am present emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  I am deserving. 

Words for 2013..

Words.
Words aren't always what they seem.  2012 has been a lot of words - accomplishments, goals, opportunities, forgiveness, friendships.
I could go on and on with all of the words, but something different within me today has helped me to recognize that words, are simply words.
While I have had a lot of fabulousness in 2012, nothing  has remained consistent.  It has been a rollercoaster ride of events starting back as far as April of 2011.
I have been very successful with each of those words, especially my accomplishments.

So what will be different about 2013?
My words! 
I have a new word. Deserving.  I fall when I convince myself that I am not deserving.  Simple little things can take my hope away from me, if I let it.  Other people may help me feel hopeless and not deserving, but only if I let them.  Today, I am stepping into my new mindset and zipping it up tight around me.  It will in turn bring me commitment, motivation, consistency, action, moving forward, self-esteem, strength and so much more.  The word deserving will help me push forward, face fears, take chances, embrace new and exciting adventures , and keep me consistently working on my health and recovery.  When I do not feel deserving, I become very hard on myself and allow very mean thoughts, bullying (by others as well as myself) and excuses, denial and disconnecting with the people who matter, my recovery as well as my spiritual guidance.

I am deserving, in fact we are all deserving of wonderful things.  But, self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love aren't always easy to embrace for ourselves as something we deserve.  As I look back through the years and stages of my 39 years, and reflect on the things that held me back, made me do things I am not proud of or that were factors in the difficult things I must work through starting today. I realize that deserving is not a word I have ever used through those years, nor felt within.  Today, I am not only accepting it but I am refocusing my plan with the knowledge that I 'am' very deserving of good health, good people, feeling happy in my skin, positive things that bring me joy and my recovery.

I want to ring in the new year with listing some big things I am very proud of for 2012, & what I will work on in 2013.  I don't believe in making New Year's Resolutions, they never work for me.  But I do believe in making lifestyle commitments which are something to focus on all 365 days of the year.  Tomorrow starts a brand new year, with brand new fresh starts, and so much to achieve.  We have it within us, if we feel it out from within and embrace the passion and make it happen.  Tomorrow is the first blank page of a brand new chapter, and I have so much that I am looking forward to.

So my top 5 accomplishments -
1 - College, I am currently studying to become a nurse, and I am loving every course, exam and clinical experience so far.  For years I have struggled with the idea of wanting to go back to school, but never have I been able to physically take that step and make it happen.  I am now making it happen while balancing work hours, family life, life in general.

2 - Inspiring, I have spent my entire life seeking approval and acceptance from other people, but now today I am not only seeking approval and acceptance from within my own self but I am inspiring others and coming up with ideas to make a difference, pay it forward all in remembering where I came from.  I never forget where I started and why I am here doing what I am today, and if I can make a difference in any one person's life or help them through their own issues which were much like my own, then I know that I am doing what I am meant to do in life.

3 - Isolating, it was difficult to break myself out of that comfortable and familiar mold where I have spent so many years of my life pushing myself away from people and hobbies that I love.  Walking back into my own life has brought me many touching reunions with people who not only care about my well-being and have worried deeply, but also that I love dearly.  There are some people, however, that are not in my corner no matter what they say, and though it is hard to accept this I have built much strength throughout this year that allows me to finally let go and keep these people at a healthy distance for my own self.  I am in self-protection mode and this happens when one discovers and feels their own worth.  I do find myself isolating at times still, however, I am finding ways everyday to break that mold more and more.  I am reclaiming my life back and enjoying every damn minute of it.

4 - Discovering, things about myself that I pushed away over the years.  Things I used to love, things I've wanted to learn, things I enjoy, getting to know other people, appreciation of nature.. The list goes on, truly and this year has been an amazing journey of discovering things I loved to do and things I want to learn in the future.  I have a long life of wonderful things to reclaim and experience, and so looking forward to it all.  The very fact I believe in myself and want to take chances shows the increase in my self-esteem and the inner work I have been doing.

5 - All of the little things that I am proud of that I can't possibly list them all.  Some examples - the ability to wear a sleeveless shirt in public, the ability to walk up a set of stairs without getting winded, running my first official 5k, every single bit of recovery work I have done this passed year, embracing spirituality, learning to love myself inside & out, making amends, finding forgiveness, distancing the negatives in my life, getting off of high blood-pressure medication, losing 114 lbs, fitting into clothes that are *not* a plus size and so, so much more.  The changes in me are countless and surfacing is the girl within who always struggled to show herself to the world, and that girl I no longer am.

Now, I have a list of things that I am determined will be accomplishments for 2013.  I don't like to call them New Year's Resolutions because often people say they are making a resolution and don't follow through (or at least that's how it was for me).  It's a life enhancing journey, one that will continue through 2013 with more things to work on and quite possibly for the rest of my life.  That thought doesn't scare me at all because I know my recovery and healthy lifestyle *is* a lifetime commitment.  Being a better me  will always tie in with those things because for me as I work on my recovery something changes within that makes me want to do better things for myself in all aspects of my life as well as the people I love around me.

Things I plan to work on & accomplish for 2013 -
01 - Graduating from this course & applying for the LPN course.
02 - Completing the recovery steps for Overeater's Anonymous.
03 - Running in at least 3 more events this year.
04 - To go for something I have been wanting to learn (such as kickboxing, belly dancing, a sign language or photography course)
05 - To take back up knitting and sewing, re-familiarize myself with it and get back into the hobbies I once loved.
06 - To go swimming in a lake or ocean, something I haven't done since childhood.
07 - To inspire, volunteer and help make a difference in various areas I am most passionate about.
08 - To work on more self-love, self-acceptance and growing more comfortable with not only the  body I am in, but the body I *was* in prior to losing weight, because I feel I am deserving of that self-acceptance and love after having lived almost my whole life hating my body  & me in general.
09 - To be more outgoing, to be a more present individual in people's lives, let people know when I care, that I worry and that I miss and love them.  To get to know people as I love making friendships and learning another's story.
10 - Work through emotions, share how I feel, use my voice.. In doing so, to also be open minded, judge less and accept differences. Learning to see things from a different spectrum not only opens my mind but brings warmth to my heart.
11 - When I make mistakes, learning to accept that they are learning experiences, they bring change, insight and inner  growth. They shape me into someone stronger and someone who will take chances..Being hard on myself is not an option for 2013 after all of the learning experiences of 2012.
12 - Clean eating.  Meditate often.  Stress less. Be active.
13 - Try dragon fruit, star fruit, ugli fruit, lemongrass, and all of the exotic fruits and vegetables I handle at the grocery store because they look different.  Also, to continue developing a healthy relationship with food, try new recipes, healthy up recipes and enjoy my kitchen experience much more in 2013.

Lastly, thank you to each of you for 2012.  Your support, encouragement and sharing with me have made this year truly a wonderful one for me.  You have all been by my side through some of my happiest moments as well as my downright challenging moments.  I am thankful for people who will share their own experiences with me, because it not only helps me get to know you better, but helps me get to know my own self as well.

Much to come in 2013, be on the lookout!

Commitment, with a twist.

I have to admit, putting everything out here for you all to read, helps keep me accountable, and accountability pisses me off.
In my addiction, I have isolated myself for many years, protecting my behaviors and coddling them to keep me safe.. Safe from judgements, opinions and bullying.
Convincing myself that no one understands, and that I am and will forever be alone in my thoughts.  To this day, it feels easier to give in, even after working my ass off since April of 2011 to get myself where I am today.  That inner struggle that I deal with every single day.  To be honest, I'm not sure which struggle is worse - the addiction or the eating disorder.  For me, they're separate.  I need to deal with them separately to get my head around getting healthy and understanding the food issues I have been dealing with since a very young age.  It developed in stages, starting with bulimia as a young child and became a long path of food issues for a number of reasons.  Stuffing emotions and my inability to deal with them, fears, being bullied, self-abuse, low self-esteem, a way of dealing with hurtful people in my life, depression - some of the things I turned to food for.

Today, I sit here thinking about this journey I have been on, and the amazing accomplishments that come with it.  When I started school in September, I fell off the wagon in terms of my motivation and still am not back on track.  I could sit here and list all of the reasons why I feel I have fallen off, and truth be told, they would only be the excuses I keep trying to convince myself of as well.  So, what do I need to do to get myself back on that path of positive self ? The girl who strived to be her healthiest and take the best care of her? Motivate myself, of course.  Organization is something that works for me, developing a program, rules, a routine.

New Years is on it's way and people tend to make resolutions -- I'll admit, I'm not a "resolutioner" in the least, but I am fond of following through with something I am passionate about. And today, I am really passionate about being good to myself.  As a human being, I have so much to offer people in terms of helping them come to terms with eating disorders, food addiction, low self-esteem or their weight loss journey.  I 'want' to help others, in fact, because for all of my life, I was that isolated girl, scared to death and consistently self-abusing.  As a mother, I want to show my children that while their mother was in an incredibly difficult mindset for many years, that I can be strong and help myself and be present for them more than I ever have been.. I want to be an example for them and for them to be proud of me as I am of them.  As a friend, I want to be someone my friends can turn to in need, and not ever isolate myself from the beauty of their friendships.  As a nursing student, I think in terms of the career that I am about to begin and want to live by example of the things I will be encouraging of my patients.

So, here is my list - the twist being that these are *not* New Years resolutions, but a commitment to be all of the things for everyone I just mentioned, and then mostly to myself.  That I am worthy, strong and ready.  And I am not waiting until January 1st - this starts right now, this very moment as I am typing these words..This list will list my tools, what is expected of me daily.. It will list the things I want to accomplish and work for.  It will list some things I can do to work on my fears and behaviors, steps forward.. All of these are steps forward and ways to ensure I am taking the very best care of me, not only for myself but those I love.

Thank you all, for being with me on days I need accountability.. For walking this journey with me, sharing with me (even when done privately) and helping me feel my worth as I walk this very fragile path.  Putting this all out here for you all isn't always easy, but always very needed.  You are all a very big part of my recovery, my journey & my life, and are appreciated.

My list:

1/ My eating plan - It was developed to keep me abstinent from my binge foods, and avoid the foods that make me crave the no-no foods more.  I am passionate, also, about being aware of the foods that I am putting in my body.  Avoiding processed foods, high-fat foods and eating a balanced organic diet of healthy foods.  No fad diets and always measuring/portioning via the serving sizes on the Food Guide.  The measuring and portioning of course helps keep me to healthy sized servings, but also ensures I don't overeat my portions which cause me to obsess, display behaviors and want to purge (or sometimes binge more).

2/ Logged Information - I will once again start logging my meals.  Doing this is not for the sake of obsessing the calorie intake, but ensures I am getting the minimum calorie intake so I am not feeling deprived or hungry at the end of the day.  I will eat my meals and snacks every day, ensuring I carry the snacks with me if I will be out so I do not come home feeling hungry and overwhelmed.  I will also pre-plan my meals and snacks the night before, as well as have them prepared, so that I stick to the food plan as I should be.  I will be aware of the few *healthy* carbs I am allowed and veer away from the rest, and I will work a healthy dairy plan in as well.  I will also find new recipes, healthy them up and re-establish my *healthy* relationship with food, my love for cooking & trying new foods and dishes that are safe for me.

3/ I will keep my food scale, measuring cups and measuring spoons in plain view on my kitchen counter, and use them faithfully to measure out each snack and meal.  I will also keep a paper on my refrigerator to jot down the measurements and food as I am preparing them, so that when I sit down to record them I will not have to struggle with remembering them exactly.  I will log onto SparkPeople as soon as I finish this blog and set everything up properly so I can log on daily and track everything, using their resources.. (Phenomenal site by the way, and free to use!)

4/ Water, water, & more water.  I will faithfully drink my water.  I don't even have to explain the benefits of water, and how healthy it is.

5/ Recovery - Reading my literature, attending meetings, consistent contact with my sponsor & working on my program faithfully.  I procrastinate the fourth step every single time, and bail because it's the hard stuff.  Dealing with my emotions is not something I am comfortable with, but I know this is necessary.. I need to take small steps and make this happen, and I need to free myself from holding myself back.  Dealing with the hurt of my past is something I must do.  I will start making the effort, and I will reach out. I can't do this alone.

6/ I love the people in my life very much, but there are some people who simply are *not* healthy for me to interact with in terms of negativity.. I can love people from afar, I can distance those who do not have my best intentions at heart and I can recognize that this 'is' okay for me to do.  It's necessary, even.  I am worthy of good relationships, encouragement and support and will always put that foot forward myself for those in my life.  Learning to draw a line and not take on people's issues is something I continue to work on today.. Having a healthier approach and self-protection is something important to me, and I love that I am willing to protect myself from the things and people who aren't good for me.  I won't enable, nor will I react.  I simply let go and move forward, I won't take their negativity on and will continue to pray that life treats them kind and for their health, we all deserve that.

7/ Spirituality - It's a very personal journey for me, something I don't share much yet and that's because it's something I need to explore on my own.. Embracing Buddhism as my spiritual path has been the most emotional journey for me this passed year, and the infectious love and peace I feel is something so special.  And now it's time to walk this recovery with Buddha, everything I need is all within, and I am ready.  Meditations, my literature, my time with nature, my acceptance, my inner growth...It's so delicate and beautiful, all of it.

8/ Acceptance - that with all of this comes many more things.. I have been working on my financial path, a new career, an engagement with future wedding plans *smiles* ... Re-establishing myself in a world I hid from for so long.  Acceptance that with recovery comes many more things, and it feels overwhelming and at times hard to swallow.. My fears set in and the best thing I can do for myself is put myself out there and push harder, despite how scared I feel.  Taking chances, pushing boundaries, stepping out of that comfort zone and dealing with my fears are definitely things i will work on more this year.

9/ Hobbies - I have so many hobbies that I've missed for so long.. When I isolated myself for years, I also isolated from the things I loved doing.. My passion for reading is strong, and I have been revisiting the second hand book stores, rebuilding my collection.. Love that smell of old books, I could get lost in there for days.  Also, my time with nature this summer has been a wonderful thing.. Splashing around in the water, hiking trails and discovering beautiful places... There are so many things I want to get back to - cooking, baking, sewing, knitting, gardening.. My grandmother taught me to knit as a young girl, I loved it.. There are many things I *want* to do also... On my list, boxing, martial arts, sign language, photography, kayaking, whale watching and so, so much more.  So lots to work on, I've a very long list of to-do's which I may share here one day soon.

10/ Paying it forward - Random acts of kindness - Volunteering - It makes me feel good, smile from deep within.  I've been that person who needed help, was struggling and couldn't find my way.  It feels important to me, to pay that forward.  It also feels important to share this journey and put myself out there for the sake of helping others. I want to  make a difference in this world, and I want to get my story out there.. I want to get myself back on track, and I want to inspire and be inspired.. This is a lifetime journey for me, and I am grateful for the tools, the support and love as well as the ability to always find ways to work on self.

11/ Self-acceptance - This one I struggle with, a lot.  But I will lay it down bluntly.  No self-abuse.  No self-bullying.  Learning to love the skin I am in, embracing my body.. My scars, my age lines and my loose skin all tell a story..Working always on my self-esteem, trying not to be so hard on myself and most of all self-love...I am worthy, I am good and I am loveable.

12/ Exercise. (left the best for last) - I need to push my boundaries.. I have a gym membership.  I love hiking, I love outdoor adventures.. I have home equipment for days the weather is bad or the days are super busy.. I must work on my stomache and arms especially, toning is very necessary for the loose skin on my arms..I am very self-conscious about it.. I have vitamins and lotion, and a great workout plan with weights and toning exercises that I need to be consistent with. I will also change up my exercise routine often, so not to get bored of it.  Also, running is my passion.. I want to work my way back to running again.

I feel really good about posting this.
This acts as a contract for me - my set rules..
And of course, the accountability by posting this.
Now I am heading to SparkPeople and I am ready to re-spark this self-journey in *all* ways - & be happier & healthier in my own skin.
While I am *not* setting a New Years Resolution - i *am* committing to ME and making the best of my days.. Embracing friendships, taking my life back & loving it all in the process & living a long life full of love & happiness with KC, (who has been the ultimate in support, love & encouragement) as well as friends & family.

Love to you all!
Much peace,
~ sylvie