Thursday, 16 July 2015
Stumbles = Growth. Relapse = Growth.
After four years in recovery, I can honestly say I not only believe this statement, but am living it. I see it, I feel it, I breathe it. I can look back at the girl who began this journey feeling hopeless, sad and completely lost in this world. I carried a load full of anger no person should ever have to shoulder in their lifetime, and presented it as a victim of hurt and anger rather than move forward. I have lived, stuck in my miserable mindset for so long that I couldn't even recognize my own disease, wrongdoings and behaviors.
Where am I at with it all today? I still carry the load of anger, admittedly. I still draw my victim card upon first thought, I think that will take some time to embrace and rely on my own strengths and self-love on a whim. But, something in me *has* changed recently. But, the one main change which I feel is responsible for so many small significant changes overall?
I am feeling my power, for the first time in my entire life.
Suddenly, I am feeling more worthy. I am open to seeing things in a new, different and more positive light. I have boundaries and personal space and actually allow those to have a priority in my life. I notice the small, significant details in my day and find gratitude for every single one of them. I am starting to think from a less selfish mindset, and meditating on the character defects which have held me back for so long. Last week, I opened up with my Love (whom I very happily married 2-1/2 weeks ago might I add) and not only shared things about my disease and feelings, but also admitted the one thing in life which keeps me unhappy within.
My entire life, I have held back and suffocated the young girl within. The adventurer, the explorer and isolated myself from loved ones, my favorite hobbies, my dreams of things I have always wanted to do and lastly, my spiritual path. I have not ever allowed myself to even recognize how much I craved doing fun, wonderful things by discovering this world in so many ways. It is why, as I work this recovery, I feel like everything feels like a brand new adventure. Today, for the first time since childhood, I stepped outside barefoot and walked through the grass, enjoying that very feeling with tears in my eyes. Life is so full of beauty right outside our front door. Isolating most of my life has prevented me from those very things.
Suddenly, here I am meditating, and getting to know this young adventurer at heart today. She has so much passion and imagination - a big, loving heart, so vulnerable and forgiving. She's been safe within for over 33 years since I was diagnosed with bulimia at the age of 9. She aches to be known, to be loved and to be seen. I have spent my lifetime hiding her and protecting her from hurtful people, so much so I shut her down completely and turned to food and purging. I was protecting her feelings and doing the best I knew how to at such a young age.
For 33 years I continued to build on this disease. It, along with my upbringing, has formed so many warped and twisted thoughts with my own well-being and self-esteem. Rather than find ways to empower my being through positive, loving people I have learned to shut it all down and keep recieving and dwelling on the negative people who have never had my well-being at heart. I have never felt worthy, deserving or that I ever had purpose. I accepted all forms of abuse willingly and learned to internalize every harsh emotion and fear.
I recognize the negatives in my life, the ones who continually try to shut my hopes and dreams down. The lies, the intentional hurt, the friendships for all of the wrong reasons. And in recognizing those, I also recognize my own sick part in each of these too. It was amazing to me, in working the steps with my ABA sponsor, just how many people I had resentments over from my past. Some, their doing, and some my own. In writing out all of my resentments to her, I was able to let some go instantly, and others I will work on some more in the future. But the biggest part of this is the new outlook on forgiveness.
Forgiveness, for me, comes in levels. I can forgive, and I can move forward with forgiveness, or I can find forgiveness for myself so that I can let go of things not worthy of dwelling on even one more single moment in life. Forgiveness, isn't always deserved when we recognize we have been rightfully hurt, and especially if the person hasn't changed. But, we can forgive ourselves for dwelling, love our good, strong morals and pray that this person finds a right path to stop hurting others.. And then, we can move forward letting go of the dwelling, because it holds us back. The pain and resentment keeps us stuck, and life is so short.
So, today I am stepping up on that podium, and hugging that young girl hard within. I am learning to trust her, to feel her needs and honor them. I am helping her to be who she wants to be, so she can explore the world with new, innocent eyes and learning to leave the past behind us. She deserves a chance in this world, and I have held her back far too long. I forgive myself for over-protecting her and also proud of myself for doing so with the best way I knew how. I recognize today, that the binges and purges no longer help me, nor have they for a long time.
Young sylvie is taking her power back, slowly & surely.
Look out world, here we come!