Sunday, 31 August 2014

Keeping it real -

Disclaimer: Some language is foul - but this post is real, honest & raw and my anger is in full swing. So I am apologizing in advance for the 'f' bombs, and if you are easily offended please don't read my post. I feel it's important I share this as honestly as it feels in this very moment. Today, this very hour and well, this very moment.

There are days that I want to bang my head against the wall because I am so frustrated with this damn fucking disease. Bulimia, diagnosed at the age of nine. Back then I wasn't a purger, or at least I don't think I was, I can't remember. I remember as far back as my early teenage years which I think is when I started to purge and self-abuse. At the age of nine I remember turning to food for emotional support. Food became my best friend, and my character defects started to come alive in a very young girl who couldn't figure out what was wrong and how to deal with anything. I remember feeling lonely, scared and confused as well as frustrated, unloved and useless. Not to say I *was* unloved and useless, but it's how I felt given the situation, the surroundings, my upbringing and using food. Therapy at the age of nine is what brought me a diagnosis of bulimia (a word I wouldn't hear until adulthood, and remaining in denial.)

As a teenager, I became more of a loner. I was bullied a lot through school or often felt like I didn't fit into circles of friendships. I felt isolated, unapproved of and very much unnoticed. I was quiet and shy usually and eventually managed to make a few friendships outside of school usually, which I very much relied on and am friends with two even to this day. I developed my people pleasing defect trying to win friendships and to be cool enough to be liked. I got involved with drugs and drinking, despite having epilepsy and knowing those things never made me feel good like others, but I did it anyway for approval. The bullying, however, didn't ever go away. My love for self faded fast, and I wrote suicide letters because I felt ready to end my life at the age of 15. My first attempt was with a knife in a ball field in a small village I lived in behind an elementary school. I sat there for hours in tears with the biggest knife I could find in the house. I was too scared to do it, knife at my blade and very faint scratches from rubbing it over and over but just not hard enough. My second attempt, with a lot of pills, mixed pills I could find. I got rushed in to the hospital that time, and was eventually given an appointment for therapy. (Once again).

I absolutely dealt with depression as a teenage girl, and often self-abused myself in ways many don't even know about. I was dealing with not only the bullying and what felt like an upside family life after my parents split up at the age of 8, but as a teenager exploring through my sexual identity and trying to understand that. It all made me angry, sad and confused and so secretly I started lashing out on the inside. Binges and purges were one way of dealing with my feelings, but I was also self-abusing my pinching my stomache repeatedly from side to side so my entire tummy was constantly bruised and so sore.. Anytime I hurt on the inside, or was bullied I would grab ahold of that tummy and twist as hard as I could. It made me cry everytime from the pain and was an escape from what I was really feeling. Also, I would take a marker or pen and write on my body beneath my clothes. My arms, my legs, my stomache.. I would write words like "fat, gross, ugly, skank, etc". Anything that was derogative and of course helped my self-esteem sink faster than a ship. I would pinch various parts of my body, the most sensitive places.. I would slap and hit myself, or look in the mirror and cry while telling myself how pathetic and useless I was and nobody loved me. These are just mere examples of the ways I would self-abuse over the years.

I can honestly say, I have self-abused doing all of those things and more until quite recently. It became a way of life for me, a necessity and something I looked forward to. Most were anxious to get out with friends, and I couldn't wait to get home so I could lock myself up in my room and find ways to hurt and tear myself apart, inside and out. As an adult, all of that increased. As each year passed, I was more mean to my inner being than I ever had been. I started by lashing out at other's, surrounding myself with negative, demeaning people and eventually started isolating myself altogether from friends, family, hobbies I loved doing and so much more. As a mother, I feel so much guilt over my parenting role as a single mom to two really deserving, beautiful and amazing children. I wasn't present as a parent as much as i should have been, because I was too busy isolating myself from the real world and stuffing my face with food. At that point in my life I was only bingeing because my doctor found out i was purging by looking at my hands/fingernails. She put enough fear in me (for awhile) and so then I totally relied on food. I started to binge daily by going to the corner store and spending inappropriate amounts of money (for bills and food for my children) on binge food for myself. We had our utilities shut off often, I stood in lines at the food bank more than I care to admit and I made our lives much harder than it had to be.

So, here is where my honesty comes in today - and this, this is really hard to do.
- I still deal with an enormous amount of depression and anxiety, and I don't do enough to change that.
- I still have extremely low self-esteem and do not take positive action as often as I should to help build a stronger esteem, even though I have the tools and ability.
- I am still in victim mentality, and spend far too much time in my day procrastinating things because the world is being so awful to me for whatever reason or dwelling on past things I have carried with me for a very, very long time.
- I am an internalizer. I don't and won't share feelings, and I have this technique where I can even hide how I feel from my own self, helps me suffer greatly and another form of self-abuse.
- I have been in recovery for 3 1/2 years and have yet to work the 12 steps because I keep making excuses. I have gone through four sponsors now, one of which I think may still be my sponsor but really unsure because we haven't talked for over a month now (my fault, I pull away scared)
- I am scared of my feelings, absolutely petrified. I am scared to deal with how I am feeling about the past and the way I have been treated or vice versa because anger, sadness, acknowledging the deep emotion which means facing people. As an isolator I would rather chew on those feelings for the rest of my life and just tear myself up for it instead. It's become a safety net for me. (my food, my isolating & my internalizing)
- I hate the truths that come with dealing with my disease. For instance, working on me I also see the true intentions of others (some family, friends) that I thought had my back but realize the opposite. It's hard to distance those people from me, and what's even harder is I do it secretly. I just back them off (for good reason) but don't have enough courage to stand up for myself in the meantime. Not enough self-worth in there to do it willingly.

Last bit of honesty for now, my FOOD is BAD. I am eating clean these days which is so good for me, it leaves me feeling so good about myself, so healthy and much more energy. However, the last couple of days I have done what I often do - nosedive the food again. Last night I ate something I shouldn't, not one but two of them followed by a gigantic bowl of something else. It was 10pm and I had eaten my meals. It was certainly no binge, or at least not the size of a binge I was once used to, but I am certainly falling back into old habits. So this morning I wake up and what do I do? Cook half a box of something no-no once again and stuff my face til I feel sick again. I know (especially after eating so healthy) what eating these things will do and how they'll make me feel. Also, I know it means I am falling back into my bingeing and purging and I am once again the victim. Suddenly my feelings are chaotic and I am cranky and lashing out, hiding food and all of my character defects are coming out to play.

So, here are some positives. I know I can turn this around, and in fact am doing so just by being here, acknowledging, blogging, accountable action. I opened my email first thing when I got online and made contact with my recovery group with my honesty about my food choices last night and today. This is a positive step in the right direction. Phew. Also, I did not purge last night, which in itself feels like an addiction most days. I crave purging so much each day, and so this feels like a true win.
So, I know what I stopped doing which led me to dipping into bad foods again.

- I stopped meditating, and practicing mindfulness.
- I stopped working the 12 steps for Overeaters, and stopped communicating with my sponsor/groups.
- I stopped believing in myself, and started self-abusing once again.
- I embrace the obsessive behaviours, and start allowing them to dictate my day so I instead procrastinate and get nothing done.
- I stopped meal prepping and I know this is something that works for me
Ahh let's face it, I could sit here listing the why's all day - I stopped everything I knew..
I do exercise and eat healthy most days, which is good but I could slowly feel the rest of me slipping away. I know I need a healthy balance of it all to keep myself afloat , recovery is important for me to recover, otherwise all I do is isolate and try and do it all myself.
My disease reminds me every single time I can't do this alone - I need to reach out and I need to be honest with myself that this is more than myself.

So today, I realize I have now put myself in a predicament where I am coming off my high. So, I am in high craving for the next while and my emotions will be all over the place - and so what I need to do is get back to program, meditation and all things that keep me balanced along with my exercise, etc. I cannot live in a mindset of depression and anxiety hold me back anymore. I am so sick of living this way, and I know I have the tools so it's time to use them because I "am" worthy of doing so.. I am worthy of inner joy and peace. I am worthy of friendships, and healthy choices and not self-abusing the way I once had. Today, I need to back up the truck and start working through the issues, one small step at a time and releasing those, because life is far too short to live a bitter, ugly life like I have in the past. I will always be bulimic, a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict, but I don't always have to live in it's grip the way I have all this time.

Time to work through the guilt, shame, frustration, anger, sadness and inner loneliness so that I can just let shit go. It's hard to strive forward when I keep getting sucked back in, and that is only because I have (this far) refused to fully do the work needed. I admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable. But then I sit and crybaby over it instead of help myself . The self-pity and victim mentality needs to go. I am stronger than this, and I am capable of self-love and being positive. 41 years of this is enough.

Seriously, I'm done.
Time to move forward, finally. Amends, self-work, Buddha....Here I come.

Namaste,