Sunday, 27 October 2013

Growth...


Things I have learned since starting this journey of recovery back in March of 2011.

(1) - When I thought I had control, I didn't. In regards to food I do not have control, nor will ever have the strength or power. 
(2) - Without being present in my program of recovery, I am simply setting myself up for difficult days, challenging thoughts and poor, unhealthy choices.
(3) - Channelling the little girl within me brings me comfort, hope and happiness, because there was much comfort, simplicity and love for life in my very young years.
(4) - My grandparents on both sides of my family were and continue to be a source of love & light in my most difficult times.
(5) - My recovery is about keeping *my* side of the street clean.  Not my Partner's, my parents, my family or friends.  Not my neighbours, or co-workers.  Simply, me.
(6) - I have a need for personal space, 'me' time and solitude - Time I can collect my thoughts and make sense of the day's events and sort through it all.
(7) - I have boundaries.  I have big, self-protective & amazing boundaries.  I value my life, my thoughts the core of my being.  I need my boundaries respected.
(8) - I have feelings, and I have internalized them for a lifetime.  After forty years, I have a lot of inner turmoil, and can only rake through it one step at a time.
(9) - I, am. not. supergirl.  No matter what i say, no matter what I believe I can do, no matter what I try to do - I can't change the world, or anyone in it - only me - one step at a time.

My biggest lesson of all, which I learned today...
I have a consistent need for attention and have sought it in unhealthy ways and from unhealthy people.  I sought much needed nurturing and care, and have continually set myself up when I didn't receive that attention.  Today, I learned that I seek unhealthy attention from others and also fail to give myself necessary attention.  If I can't take care of myself then I lack ability to take care of others in a healthy fashion - and so for today I begin taking care of me.  Today I start giving myself attention and will not rely on others to do so for me.  I am not a victim, in fact I am a strong, capable, loving and caring human being with importance and worth in this world along with you all.  Giving myself the attention I need takes care of my being, my little girl, the growth and lessons I've learned over the years which has helped me to flourish into the amazing adult woman I am today. 

Today I am proud to be me.
Oh, and GO Packers! :)