Saturday, 27 April 2013

Old tapes and a confession.


I have a lot of old tapes from my past which still can impact me to this day (if I let them).
I think this needs to be the first step to my moving forward again in this journey, and is something that has helped me stay stuck over the years.
I think back to my childhood, teenage years, early adulthood and there are so many instances of things I continue to dwell on and cause anger within.
Some are simple and some are not so simple.. All are hurtful.

Some things that impact me to this day from my childhood.
Turning on a television in the daytime, sitting on the sofa or taking a nap all meant I was lazy.
To this day, as a 40 year old woman, as I balance full-time school and work hours, there are days I feel like I am exhausted and crashing.
An hour nap could really refresh me, probably, and get me back into my studies.  Instead, I lay on the sofa or bed and get angry at myself for being so lazy.
Old tapes, they're a terrible thing to hang on to and believe in.

Restricted food, as a teenager led me to sneaking food and hiding it.  Hard times called for desperate measures, it's understood.
What isn't understood today, as I think back to this, is how things were said and how the words made me feel.  I became a nervous wreck about food and portions.
I couldn't wait to get out on my own so I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted with no one to tell me any different.  Meal times were frustrating and made me angry.
I get that it's a part of my disease, but many behaviours developed over the years due to an unhealthy stance on food, portioning and how things were handled.
My unhealthy food thoughts have grown much more since then, by my own accord.

I do not blame anyone in my past, present or future.  I know this is my disease, let that be known.
But what starts a 10-11 year old girl on binging and purging? I turned to abusing food and my body at a very young age. For almost 30 years of my life I have abused this body, inside and out.

And now, some confessions:
I have paid a hefty price for the binging and purging for so many years.
I will *not* look at these embarrassing, but as the reasons to be grateful for how far I have come today.
And this is a beginning process of self-forgiveness.

(1) I have a disease of food addiction which I struggle with daily and will for the rest of my life.
(2) I have lost almost all of my teeth due to the acid from my stomache when I've purged for so many years. They literally rotted and broke, and now I wear dentures. (full on top, partial on bottom)
(3) My hair has thinned a lot due to some deficiencies caused by doing this to myself. I have bald patches (which has improved a bit this last year) but will likely never get full like it once was. I often get embarrassed over this and have to do my hair a certain way all of the time.  I also have no bangs at all and they will never grow back.
(4) Distorted thinking, depression and anxiety.  It prevents me from doing so much and everyday is a battle within myself to move forward and try new things.
(5) Esophageal problems, stomache problems and possibly acid reflux all due to the purging for so many years as well.
(6) My skin.  It looks old and unkept, rough, tired and dried out.  I drink a lot of water, and pamper my skin lots. Nothing works anymore.
(7) My lack of concentration, obsessive compulsive disorder, control issues.. Not caused BY but very much related.
(8) Self-esteem, confidence and self-worth issues I may very well carry with me for a lifetime.  While I can't be rid of them, I do try and learn to handle them differently.
(9)  Muscle aches.  While I am unsure if this is an actual symptom, it's something I have heard was. My muscles ache far more than the activity I put them through.
(10) My inability to feel hunger, or when I am full.  Sometimes I feel like I might, but I don't know if I will ever feel these things again permanently.

I'm sure I could list many more.
The point of this post wasn't to out all of the things I feel guilty and ashamed about due to my 30 years of food issues.
The point of this post is to say the old tapes keep me stuck, many of which are my OWN old tapes, such as the confessions I've listed here today.
They are things I feel ashamed and embarrassed about, and that continue to hold me back.

Today, is about forgiveness and moving forward.
Breaking these old tapes in half and tossing them out of my head altogether.
Probably not as easy as that, however I believe this was the first step.

Feeling a little naked right now, and scared putting this out there.