Tuesday, 20 November 2012

no more excuses ~

Life's challenges, curve balls and such.
Hard stuff that I am overcoming right now, and thought what better time than to get a blog up to share.
The last couple of months have been a very bumpy ride for me.  Nursing school is amazing, but time consuming and at times overwhelming.
But I am truly loving the experience and know this is indeed the path I am meant to be on.  Every day I am challenged to come out of my shell some more.
This has been a gigantic step into the unknown for me, which those of you who understand the mind of an addict -- taking that step was something so much more.
As I learn I find I am stepping into the nursing role inch by inch, and one of those roles is, of course,  my health.

I am not a person who likes to toot my own horn.  In fact, those of you who know me really well, know that I will do the complete opposite, because I do not give myself credit for things.  In other words, I am hard on myself and quite often my own worst enemy.  This journey is about changing those negative bits within me and turning them into positives.  While losing 114 lbs was most certainly one of my most amazing accomplishments so far in life, there are many more which deserve recognition.  I will not be listing them all for you (I see you all wiping your brows saying 'phewwwww') heh.. I do want to acknowledge my positives on this journey so far by saying I am proud of myself.  I am proud of the fact that at 39 years of age I am taking my life back one moment at a time.  There are an incredible amount of things I have lost out on during the years by living in isolation from my friends, family and things I loved doing.  The small inner celebrations within feel magnified when I do something so simple as stepping outside my front door.  How many years did I have myself locked up in my house, ignoring the knocks, phone calls and people who worried about me.  So looking at me today, here I am not only walking out my front door and feeling that fresh air on my skin, but attending nursing school, making friendships, employed and embracing the people I love.

So today, I am thinking of these last two months and how often I lied to myself, made excuses or dug myself a little deeper into that negative space I have fought so hard to stay out of since April of 2011. It amazes me how hard I have to work on building myself up, and how easily I can assist myself in tearing myself back down again.  I am done blaming everyone else and everything else.  No more being the victim.  Today I am recognizing that I do the things I do because "I" allow them to happen.  I make the choices of foods that go in my mouth, I make the choice to not be active, and I make the choice to welcome my character defects rather than do the work to think with a  healthier mindset. Today, is about accountability.  Putting my words out here for you all to see - because in 'my' mind, when you all know - I have to acknowledge my own feelings and do something about it.  So now, here comes the hard part.

Today, I am not healthy.  This is 'not' about the numbers (the weight).. This is about how I am feeling, what I am doing, the behaviors and the changes in me just in these last two months.  I have been lethargic, moody and negative.  My energy level has changed dramatically.  A girl who was once running up the stairs is now out of breath.  Pains in my legs and feet when I am working long hours again.  I feel myself having isolating days where I use my homework for an excuse to stay in and away from people.  I set myself up around food by buying things I can't have once again.. "for the children".. I say.  Let's be real, they're things I love also and that make me crazy.  I have breakdowns where I go through my cupboards and fridge in tears, angry at the world and firing food into my garbage can as hard as I can.  That gives me every excuse to be hard on myself for having allowed things in the house.  I lost my healthy relationship with food, where I could walk into  my kitchen and get creative with foods, making colorful, delicious dishes and feel so proud of myself for my ability to do that again after years of isolating myself from everything except my binge foods.  My portions got bigger, I stopped measuring, stopped attending meetings, stopped exercising and stopped all of my tools which aided me in not only a healthier lifestyle, but my recovery.  Each day I have been down spiraling a little more.  This is only a small fraction of what has been happening with me the last couple of months.

Something ignited within - and I realized that this simply is not the end.  I am not accepting relapse.  I will not allow myself to get back to that ugly place within I once lived.  I was so miserable, so angry - and I didn't allow myself any joy in my life.  So this week is about stepping back out, and putting myself back out there for you all to see.  If any of you could even begin to understand how angry it makes me to do this to myself.  I know that making myself accountable to you all, is what I hang on to until I can do this of my own free will.  I want to thank each of you who messaged me, wondering if I was okay.. Those who messaged me to get me to a meeting.. And those who have been supportive, loving and understanding.  Like any addiction, I needed to step out on my own and get to that place where I knew I had to start climbing back up or I would sink.  It's a hard place to be, and sadly it's so much easier to give into that feeling and let myself sink.

But, like I prove every single day of my life - I'm strong, I'm capable and I'm worthy.
So sinking is not an option for me - I know the tools, I know I can & this is my first step back out there with you all.
I am no longer that fragile, delicate being.. She's still in there, but she's protected with thicker skin, deeper scars and a passion to go far.
I no longer feel I had a horrible past.  I am actually thankful for life's lessons to the soulful being that I am today.
I really like this girl within, and I'm protecting her - by not engaging, by not playing the victim and by loving myself enough to let go of the negatives.

I believe the true journey is just beginning for me.

Love & Peace,
- sylvie