Monday, 5 March 2012


Something happened last week which I felt was *very* blogworthy, because it felt like a turning point on my journey.. It's a little bit silly sounding, but very much a high point in the work I have done this year.  The beginning of this journey really started four years ago, when I took a Self Esteem course which truly handed me my life back.. It didn't happen for me at once upon completing the course, however, I have found myself taking small steps towards taking my life back..This passed year has been a whirlwind of realizations and changes for me, all for the positive.  I admit, it gets very overwhelming at times.

One thing that I have struggled with for the majority of my life, since childhood, is body image and negative feelings towards how I look.. I am very hard on myself and it's far too easy to put myself down.. It's not something I can work on easily, however, it's something that has gotten better with time and as I take steps to better my life in various ways.. So when I have a moment that I am 'not' being hard on myself, (which seems like often lately!!) I celebrate it BIG because I know it's such a 'win' for me..  There are many things about my body I am not happy with still, but I realize today they are imperfections, and we all have them..  It no longer affects my life the way I have let it affect my life for all of these years, and I work daily on ways to feel better about myself.

Weight loss has been a big part of the success in that, however, after 91 lbs of weight loss (so far) I still find it hard to see & feel that weight lost.. When I look in the mirror, I feel like i am still looking at the 315 lb girl in that reflection.  I'm not sure when I will lose that, or if I even will.  So, it's important for me to celebrate the successes in all forms and this is one of those successes that made me smile big when I realized what I was doing..

My son has a full length mirror in his bedroom and I was in the laundry room grabbing some things to change into from the dryer, and so I stopped in his room and decided I would change there, since he wasn't in there..  I was bent down and pulling my pajama pants on and I just happened to turn around and catch sight of my bare behind in the mirror behind me.  At first, I was shocked because it was the first time I was truly seeing a size difference with me..I left the pants down at my ankles and I stood up straight, looking back over my shoulder and found myself admiring it.. I thought to myself, still some to lose but wow, look at that bottom of mine, I really 'am' losing... Rather than pull them up at that time, I would turn some and look again, bend over a bit and look again, turn to my side and look again... I was, for once in my life, thoroughly enjoying the reflection in the mirror and lapping up the compliments I was paying to myself.. Truly, I was loving what I was seeing for that moment... Finally, realized I must look a little ridiculous staring at my own  bottom in various positions and so I pulled up my pj bottoms with one last look and a huge smile on my face...

I came immediately to tell KC what I had just done, because anyone that knows me, knows that self admiration is something I just do not do, and this clearly was such a 'win' for me on this self-journey and I needed to share that with someone who would help me celebrate how big this felt to me.. Just as soon as I shared, I immediately decided to go to a different mirror and check it out again and make sure I would still see the same reflection.. Did I just turn around and look at it with pants on? Heck no - I tore those pants down as fast as I could and turned around and once again, admiring my bottom with a big cheesy smile on my face.  And the biggest part of how wonderful this is, is the words within, that self-judging thing I do, and that inner bully that resides, had nothing bad to say.. Such positive thoughts, compliments and truly just enjoying the moment.  Looking at myself in the mirror overall, I still see that girl prior to the weight loss.  So, to finally be able to see and feel a difference, and mostly that positive thinking and complimenting myself and really enjoying the moment - I knew this was something I needed to share & record to read back on.. Which is truly what having this blog is about for me, not only to share my story and possibly inspire others, but also to be able to look back on the things that really meant the most to me, big or small.. Celebrations or challenges..

Love yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Be aware, look within & pay attention to yourself.  You are worthy.
I can honestly say each of those things about myself now and I still have a long way to go..
Keep building, take small steps when you are ready to and never stop believing in yourself.. It doesn't happen overnight , it takes a lot of self-work and honesty.

We are SO worth it.. Stay positive!